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Author Topic: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls  (Read 2420 times)

Tut

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Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« on: May 26, 2016, 01:14:17 am »
Going to give this a test run... tell me what you guys think.


On the moors of Castle Snyderfell, a procession rides out from the holdfast. In it is the Lord of Snyderfell and Warden of the Fanboys, and his sons. They make for the hills along a wide, curving road.

Lord Tatum: Today you shall see quite a sight, young one. We ride to execute a runaway from the far north.

John: But father, why? I wanted to stay home and watch GI Joe 2 on Blu-Ray again.

Tatum smacks his son in the face.

Lord Tatum: That is not our way, child. We worship the True Films. The-Film-That-Must-Not-Be-Named, Sucker Punch... 300. You must learn this if you are to rule one day.

John: Will Caleb Snow ever rule one day?

Lord Tatum: *Sigh* ... No, John. Caleb can never rule anything. Do you know why?

John: Because he would murder all the elderly?

Lord Tatum: Hmm... I hadn't thought of that. No, he can never rule Snyderfell because he does not like The-Film-That-Must-Not-Be-Named. He will never truly be one of us.

The procession reaches a stump in the middle of a field. Tied to it is a homosexual black man.

Lord Tatum: Tayo Akomo... Akomole... Akomolede? Anyway, Tayo, you are accused of crimes against the crown, fleeing your post, and joining the ranks of the Trolls Beyond the Wall. How do you plead?

Tayo: Not guilty! Not guilty, m'lord!

Lord Tatum: Whatever. In the name of our king David Tanny, I, Channing Tatum, Lord of Snyderfell, do sentence you to die. Do you have any last words?

Tayo: These forums haven't been the same since I trolled Bobby Conway into oblivion on the Dawn of the Planet of the Apes and A Little Princess forums. For those of you who aren't aware, Bobby Conway used the forums on this website for only one purpose: trolling. He had at least 30 or so "sock puppet" accounts which he utilized to avoid being--

Caleb: For Snyder's sake father, just end it!

With a swing of his greatsword, Lord Tatum cleaves Tayo's head from his body. The head continues to babble incoherently for a few moments, then lies peacefully in the dirt as blood sprays out through Tayo's open neckhole. Lord Tatum looks at the camera.

Lord Tatum: Death count: 1

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2016, 01:16:45 am »
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Tut

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2016, 01:19:52 am »
Far on the other side of the internet, a young boy stands watching as a procession of horses approaches him. This boy is Nicolerys 'Tardgaryen, one of the last members of a dynasty stretching back thousands of years. Next to him stands his brother Kashmir.

Nicolerys: So who is this man you have sold me to, brother?

Kashmir: He is one of the greatest warlords on the entire continent, Nicky. Of the uncivilized superhero nations. He has never lost a battle. His name is Bryan Singer.

Brian Singer rides up in front of Nicolerys. He stares down at him with animalistic passion in his eyes.

Nicolerys: Oh fuck.
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PORG

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #3 on: May 26, 2016, 02:00:55 am »
Sad I'm not going to live too much longer, but I love it lol.

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #4 on: May 26, 2016, 06:04:50 am »
Far on the other side of the internet, a young boy stands watching as a procession of horses approaches him. This boy is Nicolerys 'Tardgaryen, one of the last members of a dynasty stretching back thousands of years. Next to him stands his brother Kashmir.

Nicolerys: So who is this man you have sold me to, brother?

Kashmir: He is one of the greatest warlords on the entire continent, Nicky. Of the uncivilized superhero nations. He has never lost a battle. His name is Bryan Singer.

Brian Singer rides up in front of Nicolerys. He stares down at him with animalistic passion in his eyes.

Nicolerys: Oh fuck.

Shit...
Goodbye!

Robert Neville

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #5 on: May 26, 2016, 08:08:02 am »
Two scenes in, and I already can't wait for the good taste to prevail, and for Snyderfell to fall. Never thought I would be writing this, lol.

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2016, 09:42:38 am »
Damn... just when I was about to drop a script read today.  It's an unwritten rule on this board, but one script for two months gets full coverage.

But good read.  I enjoy this even if I don't know half the references.
goodbye!
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Frankie

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #7 on: May 26, 2016, 01:58:31 pm »
Damn great job. I hope that you take the story a different direction though...like possibly killing Nicolerys (Daenerys) before he becomes cancerous like her.

Robert Neville

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #8 on: May 26, 2016, 06:25:01 pm »
Damn great job. I hope that you take the story a different direction though...like possibly killing Nicolerys (Daenerys) before he becomes cancerous like her.

Like I said before, I think it's already going differently, thanks to new religions. Now that we know what Old Gods are, it's clear we are meant to root for the Tutlisters, who will uphold the true faith of the Seven: the Coens, Fincher, Bergman, Truffaut, Scorcese, Carpenter and Kurosawa. As they continue to win, so does the good taste spread over the bones of Fanboys. It goes so far, that later, it leads to the Tutlisters themselves being deposed by the only one who dared to move further than they did: The Tall Sparrow.

Of course, it still leaves the one other faith unaccounted. Now that we know about Caleb, it's only the matter of time before he truly embraces the Nolan'llor, the God of Grit and Shadow, for he's the one who burns out the flame to leave only the dark cinders amongst us. Indeed, it's strange young Snow doesn't truly follow him yet. Being revived by the Takensandre should be just the ticket, though.
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Tut

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #9 on: May 26, 2016, 06:46:00 pm »
Damn great job. I hope that you take the story a different direction though...like possibly killing Nicolerys (Daenerys) before he becomes cancerous like her.

Like I said before, I think it's already going differently, thanks to new religions. Now that we know what Old Gods are, it's clear we are meant to root for the Tutlisters, who will uphold the true faith of the Seven: the Coens, Fincher, Bergman, Truffaut, Scorcese, Carpenter and Kurosawa. As they continue to win, so does the good taste spread over the bones of Fanboys. It goes so far, that later, it leads to the Tutlisters themselves being deposed by the only one who dared to move further than they did: The Tall Sparrow.

Of course, it still leaves the one other faith unaccounted. Now that we know about Caleb, it's only the matter of time before he truly embraces the Nolan'llor, the God of Grit and Shadow, for he's the one who burns out the flame to leave only the dark cinders amongst us. Indeed, it's strange young Snow doesn't truly follow him yet. Being revived by the Takensandre should be just the ticket, though.

Although I wasn't planning most of this, you did just spoil one major plot point. Damn you, Neville. Anyway, I'm certainly using it now...

Tut

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #10 on: May 26, 2016, 07:08:19 pm »
Lord Tatum and his procession return to the castle. Inside, a servant hands him a scroll.

Bobby Conway: *Bobby Conway

Lord Tatum: There there, simple giant. What's this? A PM from the south, you say? Lord Tatum unrolls the paper. By Alan Moore's Beard! King David Tanny rides to Castle Snyderfell. He says that he needs my help to keep the king's peace!

Bobby Conway: *Bobby Conway

Lord Tatum's eldest son, Dann, rides forward.

Dann: You know what this means, father. He will bring the entire royal court with him. Filthy Refnites and Kurosawa fans, knights of pretension-- even the Imp, Tyrfien Cutlister, might come. And Robert Nevillian, that mustache-twirling fiend.

Lord Tatum: So? What of it?

Dann: Last time they were really mean to me.

Lord Tatum: The king is surrounded by enemies. He knows that he can trust only me-- a fellow lover of Tolkein.

Dann: Father, is it true what they say about the Trollslayer? That he killed the mad king Fujitani by stabbing him in the back?

Caleb: Shut up, slit-eye!

Bobby Conway: *Bobby Conway

Lord Tatum: All of you, silence yourselves! I must retire to think this over. I fear this royal visit will cost us dearly...

Suddenly, a small girl with a face like a school shooter runs into the courtyard. She gasps when she sees the PM.

Andrea: I knew it! The king is coming north!

Lord Tatum: Yes, Andrea. It is likely he will bring Prince Jeddfrey with him. Are you excited?

Andrea: No! I've heard Prince Jeddfrey is a right royal pain in the arse!

Dann and Caleb laugh.
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Tut

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #11 on: May 26, 2016, 07:46:55 pm »
The king's procession rides through the gates. Knights in shining armor, ladies of the court, and squires line up against the inner wall of Castle Snyderfell. Across the compound, Lord Tatum stands with his children Dann, John, and Andrea. Caleb Snow is not present.

Dann: See there, Andrea? That's Meryn Treet of the Kingsguard. They say he's a truly great knight.

Meryn Treet lifts his visor.

Treet: That's what I like about high school girls, man. I get older... and they stay the same age.

Andrea: He has such a strange accent.

Treet: Alright, alright, alright.

Dann: And see there? That's the Trollslayer, Ser Diego. He's so self-absorbed he has the word 'ego' right in his name. And there's Queen Frankie!

The queen enters the compound. Dann looks over to see his little brother John staring at her.

Dann: John! Stop bashing the bishop!

King David Tanny finally enters, accompanied by his loyal bodyguard Tyler Levy, also known as The Pup.

King Tanny: Where's Tatum? Where's my friend? There he is! Tatum, I love ya!

Prince Jeddfrey: *Gasps* Father! You didn't say 'no homo!'

King Tanny: Don't be a homophobe, faggot! King Tanny smacks his son in the face. Jeddfrey looks up, his cheek red.

Prince Jeddfrey: Sorry father. Anyway... you folks got any guac?
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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #12 on: May 27, 2016, 04:28:20 am »
Dann: You know what this means, father. He will bring the entire royal court with him. Filthy Refnites and Kurosawa fans, knights of pretension-- even the Imp, Tyrfien Cutlister, might come. And Robert Nevillian, that mustache-twirling fiend.

Lord Tatum: So? What of it?

Dann: Last time they were really mean to me.
This exchange made my day.
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Tut

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #13 on: May 27, 2016, 07:09:48 pm »
In the sands of the desert, a great wedding takes place. In the middle of it all, Nicolerys sits as wedding attendees bring him gifts. His brother Kash and husband Bryan sit by his side.

Knight: My king, allow me to ah present to you some ah Coke from your homeland. The ah commoners most eagerly await your return.

Nicolerys: Thank you so much! What is your name, ser?

Knight: I am Ser Goldblum of Fly Island, first of his name, protector of... er... I ah forgot my mantra. Anyway, I ah pledge myself to you, Nicolerys, and ah to you, Kashmir.

Kashmir: Thank you for the offer, good knight. Were you loyal to my father?

Ser Goldblum: Sadly, no.

Nicolerys: *Whispers to Kashmir* Brother, you must accept his offer. We need as many swords as we can get.

Kashmir: But he was disloyal to Charles Longboat Senior! Fine... arise, Ser Goldblum. Take a seat by my side.

Ser Goldblum: I would be most ah honored, your grace.

The next wedding guest in line steps forward and presents Nicolerys with three eggs.

Nicolerys: Dragon eggs! I will treasure these forever!

Ser Goldblum: Your scientists were so preoccupied with ah whether or not they ah ah could that they didn't stop to ah think if they should!

Kashmir: What was that?

Ser Goldblum: Ah... nothing.
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PORG

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #14 on: May 27, 2016, 08:27:13 pm »
I love this so much.
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Tut

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #15 on: May 27, 2016, 08:41:46 pm »
The ceremony is ending. Bryan Singer rides up to Nicolerys and takes his hand.

Bryan Singer: Mook mook! Gugu-Mbatha-Raw! Goatse!

Nicolerys: What is he saying?

Kashmir: He says you are to ride with him to the south. I didn't understand that last word, but from the context, it sounds like some sort of sex act.

Nicolerys: W-- w-- what? Brother, how could you do this to me?

Bryan Singer: Mukduk! Durka durka!

Kashmir: So long, Nicky!

Singer grabs Nicolerys and hoists him up onto his horse. He starts to gallop away.

Nicolerys: No! No! I didn't agree to this! Let me go! My brother hacked my account! Let me goooooo...

Ser Goldblum: Well, ah, there it is.
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Rupert Pupkin

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #16 on: May 27, 2016, 10:05:56 pm »
This is the best one of these parody scripts yet.
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Tut

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #17 on: May 28, 2016, 01:23:09 am »
Inside Castle Snyderfell, drinking, cheering, and singing can be heard. However, there are two figures within the castle walls who do not seem to be enjoying in the festivities. As one rounds the corner, he sees the other illuminated by torchlight.

Caleb: Who goes there?

Tyrfien: Fear not, stable boy. It is I, Tyrfien Cutlister.

Caleb lowers his sword.

Caleb: I'm not a stable boy. Why aren't you inside with the others?

Tyrfien: It seems that the king and my sweet sister Frankie thought I might upset our gracious hosts with my lively discussions of foreskin and gay sex. In the end, they were likely right. Though I have never felt at home with those people anyway. The same could be said for you, I assume. You are Lord Tatum's bastard, yes?

Caleb: Yes...

Tyrfien: And you are not a fan of Man of Steel. Hence, why you are out in the cold while the others drink and eat. Well, cheer up, bastard. I happen to be an outcast from my family as well. In the shadow lands of IMDB, those who declare their love for Transformers 4 are often left out in the streets as food for the dogs. I am most grateful to have been born in the Oasis.

Caleb: Why are you talking to me like this?

Tyrfien: I have a soft spot in my heart for cripples, bastards, and terrible films.

Caleb: If only there was a way for us all to get an equal share. There are more commoners than lords by a long shot. Why don't they rise up against us in a revolution? It has to be imminent, right?

Tyrfien: You're starting to scare me, Caleb Snow...
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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #18 on: May 28, 2016, 02:17:22 am »
Cutler fits Tyrion so well (not a size joke, btw).

Tut

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #19 on: May 29, 2016, 07:48:03 pm »
Little Lord John is climbing the walls of Castle Snyderfell, as he is known to do. Suddenly, he hears voices coming from inside one of the towers. He climbs the vines to investigate.

Man's voice: King Tanny must never know. If he discovers our plot to seize control of the realm, we will be ruined.

Mexican battery saleswoman's voice: It is worth the risk. Good taste must be brought to the people. We cannot allow these Nolanite heathens and Snyder-worshipers to continue poisoning our great kingdom.

Man's voice: But think of the cost!

Mexican battery saleswoman's voice: Did you worry about the cost when you stabbed the mad King Fujitani in the back? Of course not!

Mexican battery saleswoman's voice: Excellent point, Queen Frankie.

Mexican battery saleswoman's voice: Stop talking to yourself, you idiot!

Mexican battery saleswoman's voice: See, this is what incest does to you.

Man's voice: If we should fail--

Mexican battery saleswoman's voice: Screw your courage to the sticking place and we shall not fail!

Mexican battery saleswoman's voice: Wrong story, dumbass!

John climbs close to the window and peers in to see what is happening. He sees Ser Diego sitting in a corner while Queen Frankie takes a shower. John becomes petrified by her soapy nipples. He loses his grip and falls from the tower with a thud.

Ser Diego: Did you hear something?

Queen Frankie: Just the gulls, kid. Just the gulls.

>>>>>>>> End of episode one <<<<<<<<<
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