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Author Topic: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls  (Read 1948 times)

CT_Sexybeast

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #40 on: June 04, 2016, 02:26:56 am »
Ok, this is getting to The Film Short levels of greatness.
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Diego Tutweiller

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #41 on: June 10, 2016, 02:35:27 pm »
Caleb Snow and Tyrfien stand in the courtyard at Castle Zack. They watch as the intrepid keyboard warriors of the forums practice fighting one another.

Warrior One: "U stupid fat fagot! u dont even know what ur talking about! y dont u just shut the FUCK UP!!!"

Warrior Two: "yes but can you smell my farts in space....... ponder that,peeon."

Warrior One: "HAW! Micah smart!"

Tyrfien: "Micah Berman and You You See are truly the cream of the crop. You'll have difficulty defeating them, Caleb."

Caleb picks up a sword from the table next to him. He advances upon Micah Berman and chops his head off. Micah snorts with laughter as his head sails across the compound, landing in a pile of pig shit. Caleb looks at the camera.

Caleb: "Body count: 4"

Tyrfien: "My mistake. You are well-versed in the art of fighting, Caleb. How did you do that?"

Caleb: "It's simple. I just picture my opponent as Antonin Scalia. Then all my regard for the sanctity of life melts away, and I am unstoppable."

Tyrfien: "Fascinating..."

Suddenly, the gate of the compound opens and in waddles a fat, sweaty neckbeard. He takes his place in the circle of fighters between Caleb Snow and Micah Berman's decapitated body.

Neckbeard: "Hello... I'm Domwell Cobbly... I've come to take the black."

Tyrfien: "Come to take this black dick! High five, Caleb Snow!"

Caleb: "No. This obese fellow needs my protection if he's to survive. Welcome aboard, Domwell."

Domwell: "Please, call me Dom."
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CT_Sexybeast

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #42 on: June 10, 2016, 05:02:58 pm »
It's come to a point where I anticipate the latest Game of Trolls as much as the latest Game of Thrones.

Caleb Paasche

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #43 on: June 11, 2016, 11:23:55 am »
I read the first couple and they were awesome, but now I can't decide if it's worth the pleasure of reading if I spoil something I've tried to keep unspoiled for like 4 years now...

Diego Tutweiller

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #44 on: June 11, 2016, 03:05:37 pm »
I read the first couple and they were awesome, but now I can't decide if it's worth the pleasure of reading if I spoil something I've tried to keep unspoiled for like 4 years now...

Easy fix... just watch the show.
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Diego Tutweiller

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #45 on: June 11, 2016, 04:02:11 pm »
Tyrfien Cutlister has left Castle Zack and is heading south with a small group of warriors. On his way, he stops at Castle Snyderfell. Lord Dann is there to meet him in the great hall.

Dann: "Tyrfien. We had not thought to see you coming back this way. There has been much tension between our two houses in the south."

Tyrfien: "How so? Elaborate, Mr. Slit Eye."

Dann: "What-- how dare you speak to me that way? I am Dann, Lord of Snyderfell in my father's absence!"

Tyrfien: "No, you're Ching Chong Ding Dong, and the only thing you're lord of is the rice paddies. Now give me a place to sleep or I'll kick you right in your tiny Asian penis."

Dann: "That's it! I will not stand for this!"

Tyrfien: "Then sit down. I can see how standing would get tiresome, what with your weight. Eating dogs day in and day out will pudge up a man."

Dann: "I'm sending you to my cousin Robin Aaron in the Vale. He'll know what to do with you!"

Tyrfien: "Tell me, how many tears can come from those slits you call eyes?"

Dann: "OUT!"
« Last Edit: June 11, 2016, 04:04:51 pm by Diego Tutweiller »
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CT_Sexybeast

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #46 on: June 11, 2016, 04:08:46 pm »
Robin Aaron is such perfect casting.

Danny Darkoh

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #47 on: June 11, 2016, 04:53:26 pm »
Still confused. Am I Robb or Brann?

Diego Tutweiller

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #48 on: June 11, 2016, 05:07:28 pm »
Lord Tatum is walking the streets of Admin's Landing. Suddenly, a row of horses and knights marches out in front of him. At its front is Diego Tutlister, and the knight Ser Meryn Treet.

Diego: "Halt, Tatum! You're not getting away that easily."

Tatum: "What is the meaning of this?"

Meryn Treet: "Zygote. Meryn Treet is sure that you understand exactly what this is about, unless you are even more of a simpleton than Meryn Treet originally thought. Meryn Treet finds your feigned ignorance childlike and pathetic."

Diego: "I'll handle this, Ser Treet." Diego tosses his flowing blonde locks. "Lord Tatum, your son Dann has taken my brother Tyrfien as his prisoner. I'm sure you remember Tyrfien. Talkative, quick wit... may or may not be black."

Tatum: "Lord Tyrfien was taken at my command to answer for his crimes. He insulted Zack Snyder while staying in my ancestral home. That is not done."

Diego: "Maybe. But your son has taken Tyrfien to stand trial in front of Robin Aaron. You know this means certain death."

Tatum: "Tyrfien will pay for his crimes as the gods see fit."

Meryn Treet: "Fetus! Grow up and understand morality. For I, Meryn Treet, Knight of the Kingsguard and master of philosophy, condemn you as a shallow, pedantic philistine."

Diego: "That's it. Men, attack!"

There is an epic battle between Lord Tatum's handful of men and the enormous Tutlister army. Tatum soon becomes the last man standing on his side, fighting Ser Diego fiercely. Suddenly, Meryn Treet steps in to spear Tatum in the leg.

Diego: "Treet! You have dishonored our house! Tomorrow we vote on whether or not to disband the Kingsguard."

Meryn Treet: "Child's play. Meryn Treet disregards your simple swordplay as a tiresome folly."

Diego: "I want my brother, Lord Tatum! I want him back!"

Diego and his men ride away.
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Robert Neville

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #49 on: June 11, 2016, 05:13:31 pm »
Robin Aaron is such perfect casting.

Wait... so, since Lysa Arryn is apparently cut (not enough women in RT history) and, unless I'm really mistaken, my deceased character was standing in for Littlefinger, does that mean he's now the sole ruler of the Vale? I'm suddenly feeling really sorry for that place.

Edit: Also, Meryn Treet is such an improvement on the original.
« Last Edit: June 11, 2016, 05:16:05 pm by Robert Neville »

Diego Tutweiller

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #50 on: June 12, 2016, 01:51:34 pm »
Tyrfien stands before the great council of Robin Aaron. In front of him is Aaron himself, a short, sickly boy with a face like a ham sandwich. Aaron is currently suckling at the breast of his good friend Jono.

Tyrfien: "What the fuck."

Aaron: "Silence, imp! I am here to judge you, and if you do not pass my judgement, I'll make you fly!"

Tyrfien: "And how, pray tell, will you do that?"

The guards start to turn a pair of winches. In the floor of the hall, a great hole opens up in the shape of a puckered butthole. Through it, Tyrfien can see hundreds of feet down to the rocks below.

Aaron: "The Anus of the World is a great motivator, I've found. Those who go through it usually break into quartereths upon landing. Now confess your crimes!"

Tyrfien: "How to begin, my lords and ladies? I am a vile man. As of late, I've been watching a lot more gay porn than usual. Now don't get me wrong. I've always watched gay porn. I have even fapped to it multiple times. It's really hot. Don't get me wrong. Gay porn is really hot. I do like it.  And I'm not lying. However! I am watching more gay porn than lesbian as of late. The ratio has always been 3 lesbians for 1 gay. But now it's more like 4 gays for 3 lesbians. I think I'm turning queer-o-sexual."

Aaron: "What is the meaning of this?! I meant for you to confess your crimes against Our Lord Snyder!"

Tyrfien: "Is this how justice is done in The Shire? Some autistic, fat Hobbit tells everyone what's what and they all obey? Well, no more! I demand a trial by keyboard war!"

Aaron: "You have that right. Who do you name as your champion?"

Tyrfien: "Myself. No one can make a toe-faced faggot like yourself cry as quickly as I can. I think this shouldn't take long."

Aaron starts to blubber incoherently.

Tyrfien: "That's right. Show some respect, you goddamn dirty, finger up the booty-ass bitch. Stupid shaved-head leukemia-looking motherfucker. How much money has your Katy Perry masturbation YouTube channel made so far?"

Aaron begins to cry.

Tyrfien: "We're done here." Tyrfien turns to leave. "Oh, and Aaron, if you still feel sore about it, sing The Sound of Silence. You'll feel much better."
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CT_Sexybeast

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #51 on: June 12, 2016, 03:24:32 pm »
Beautiful.
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Diego Tutweiller

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #52 on: June 13, 2016, 11:42:36 pm »
Andrea is brought before King Jedffrey in the throne room. On his left stands Queen Frankie, on his right Meryn Treet. Jedffrey sits on the Forum Throne, looking bored.

Jedffrey: "My love, your father conspired to overthrow me. Ever since my father, King Tanny, died in that boar attack Diego forgot to write in, I have been on the lookout for traitors. And it seems that Channing Tatum is one. Have you come to plead for your father's life?"

Andrea: "lol politics"

Queen Frankie: "Er... you do understand that if you do not enter a plea of mercy for your father, he will be executed?"

Andrea: "lol politics"

Meryn Treet: "Silly child. Perhaps Meryn Treet will be able to break through your thick, simian skull. Yes, I, Meryn Treet, with bachelor's degrees in physics and philosophy, master's degrees in engineering and theoretical mathematics, and a doctorate in open heart surgery, am deigning to waste precious air from my lungs in order to speak with you. Meryn Treet reminds you that your father's cranium will roll through the streets of this fair city if you do not plead for him. So please, do not waste more of Meryn Treet's time, and state your business."

Andrea: "lol politics"

Queen Frankie: "This is not politics, silly girl! This is your father's life!"

Jedffrey: "No, mother. Andrea's deft wordsmithing has moved me. I legitimately, honestly must say that I will have to spare her father's life."

Queen Frankie: "Really?"

Jedffrey: "Just kidding. Off with his head!"

Andrea: "This country sucks! Why doesn't anyone ever do anything? God!!!!"
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Diego Tutweiller

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #53 on: June 14, 2016, 12:39:54 am »
A Refn in Treet post is coming... oh, I live for these.

Refn in Treet

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #54 on: June 14, 2016, 12:45:01 am »

Meryn Treet: "Silly child. Perhaps Meryn Treet will be able to break through your thick, simian skull. Yes, I, Meryn Treet, with bachelor's degrees in physics and philosophy, master's degrees in engineering and theoretical mathematics, and a doctorate in open heart surgery, am deigning to waste precious air from my lungs in order to speak with you. Meryn Treet reminds you that your father's cranium will roll through the streets of this fair city if you do not plead for him. So please, do not waste more of Meryn Treet's time, and state your business."


Adorable, but for the uninformed, I, Treet Johnson, have achieved more than the mentioned majors.  For, I, Treet Johnson, PhD. in Psychology, Mathematics, Cosmology and Engineering, have been one recipient of 4 Nobel Peace Prizes, cured cancer, and achieved a sustainable solution to world hunger.

The amount of blasphemy in this wretched paragraph has put Treet Johnson in a disillusioned state.  Yet another form of Hollywood media making a mockery of I, Treet Johnson, PhD. in Chaos Theory, Biology and Quantum Physics, in hopes to lessen the achievements of a homosexual.  For I, Treet Johnson, PhD. in European Literature, Latin, and History, am one who has felt persecution.

Yet another squandered moment for the true power of I, Treet Johnson, PhD. in Chemistry and Engineering, to be shown to the unenlightened masses.
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Refn in Treet

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #55 on: June 14, 2016, 12:48:44 am »
A Refn in Treet post is coming... oh, I live for these.

Yes, yes.  I understand that I, Treet Johnson, PhD. in Geography and Astrophysics, am the center of inspiration for the mentally retarded such as yourself.  But please, for the sake of the chiseled beautiful physique of the almighty Zeus, contain the spermal juice in your skinny jeans.

Robert Neville

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #56 on: June 14, 2016, 02:21:04 am »
Things are moving swiftly, and Admin's Landing is now set for a dramatic event that'll define the entire upcoming showdown. You know full well what this means, right?

That it's high time to check back on that Tardgaryen plotline!

Diego Tutweiller

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #57 on: June 14, 2016, 02:41:55 am »
More Nicky... not at all because of Neville's comment... nope, not at all.



Far away from Admin's Landing, Nicolerys feels completely alone. His husband, Bryan Singer, the fiercest warlord ever to live, has died of an infected boo-boo he received in a fight with Brett Ratner. Singer's body lies on a funeral pyre, and Nicolerys stands holding a torch.

Nicolerys: "Where do I go from here, Ser Goldblum?"

Goldblum: "I don't know. But a ah wise man once told me that it ah isn't over until the fat lady sings. You should sail for the ah Oasis as soon as possible."

Nicolerys: "No... I must waste the audience's precious time with stories no one cares about for five whole seasons. But first... I need to tend to my dead husband."

Goldblum: "You ah don't have to do this, Nicky. You've been through enough ah ENOUGH hardship in your life. Being left in that ah dumpster behind your ah father's movie theater must have been terrible."

Nicolerys: "It was. And now... I rest. Goodbye, Bryan Singer. Body count: 5"

Nicolerys lights the flames and steps into the funeral pyre. Ser Goldblum steps back as the fire engulfs both Bryan Singer and Nicolerys.

Goldblum: "Well, ah... when you gotta go, you gotta go."

Suddenly, the smoke clears, and Nicolerys steps out of the fire, with three baby dragons perched on his shoulder. Goldblum's jaw drops.

Goldblum: "Well... ah, would you look at that. God creates dragons... God destroys dragons... God creates man... man destroys God... man creates dragons. That's ah chaos theory."

Nicolerys: "Dragons eat man. Nicky inherits the Earth."

Goldblum: "My my, Nicolerys... you ah just might win the Game of Trolls yet."
« Last Edit: June 14, 2016, 02:50:20 am by Diego Tutweiller »
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CT_Sexybeast

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #58 on: June 14, 2016, 04:17:39 am »
Goldblum's lines are killing me lol.

Diego Tutweiller

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #59 on: June 14, 2016, 05:04:00 pm »
In the west, a great army is camped out in a wide, sweeping valley. Tyrfien and Lord Catbus ride towards the largest tent. It belongs to Dylin-- father of Diego, Frankie, and Tyrfien.

Tyrfien: "Father, we bring news from the east. King David Tanny is dead."

Dylin: "Yes, I heard... gored to death by a boar, was he?"

Catbus: "Actually, there was a typo in the letter you read, my lord. He was not gored to death by a boar, rather, he was bored to death by gore. He'd been watching Lars Von Trier's Antichrist, you see."

Dylin: "Witty as ever, Catbus... Tyrfien, do come inside... we have important matters to discuss... oh, and body count: 6"

Tyrfien: "Father, I had been hoping that I would be allowed to ride for Admin's Landing. I must prevent Lord Tatum's execution at the hands of Jedffrey. The Snyderites will never forget if he is beheaded. It will be total war."

Dylin: "I am in charge of this family, and you will do as I say... for centuries, I have upheld good taste in the Oasis... I will not be stopped by the likes of you... and your... Trans4mers."

Tyfrien: "You have always looked down upon me father. I know that. It's because of my enjoyment of bad films, and also bodybuilding and gay sex. But you can't let Tatum be executed. It will be a catastrophe!"

Dylin: "You're so young... maybe one day, you'll understand..."

Tyrfien: "What does that even mean?"

Dylin: "I'm going to bed... good night, Tyrfien. Hopefully you will stop acting so childish... eventually..."

Tyrfien: "What was that all about?"

Catbus: "Not sure, my lord. But your father always has a plan. And he doesn't skimp on ellipses, does he?"
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