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Author Topic: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls  (Read 2158 times)

Diego Tutweiller

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #120 on: August 06, 2017, 03:22:34 am »
A private message meeting between the king's top advisers has been called. Jedffrey sits at the head of a long table with Queen Frankie and Lord Dylin by his side, while Catbus sits further down. Tyrfien arrives late, as usual, pulling up a chair at the table's opposite end. He glances at Jedffrey, who is grinning from ear to ear.

Tyrfien: "What? Sucked a few dicks today?"

Jedffrey: "King Dann is dead! Killed at a wedding ceremony for his uncle Brendan! They cut off his head after he made them watch Man of Steel! With him and Nyland gone, the war is over!"

Tyrfien is shocked. He looks to Queen Frankie.

Tyrfien: "Is this true?"

Frankie: "Yes. Jedffrey now rules over all of the Oasis, thank the gods."

Frankie: "What are you talking about? This is a nightmare!"

Frankie: "Shh, they'll hear you!"

Jedffrey: "Tell Rupert Bryant and William Costigan that their services are much appreciated. And send Costigan north to deal with that toe-head John! He should be a pushover. Now, let's celebrate! I know a great brothel down by the wharf, on the corner of Saltmire and King's Street..."

Tyrfien: "My king, isn't that a Dunkin Donuts?"

Jedffrey turns red with indignation.

Jedffrey: "You will never speak to me that way again. I'll ban you without a second thought, you despicable little pervert!"

Tyrfien: "Oh, pervert, is it? Perhaps you should speak to me more softly then. Perverts ought to stick together, and if half the things I've heard about your exploits are true, you fit that classification better than I or anyone else."

Jedffrey starts towards Tyrfien, but Frankie restrains him.

Jedffrey: "I am NOT a pervert!"

Dylin: "Any man who must say 'I am not a pervert' is probably a pervert."
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Diego Tutweiller

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #121 on: August 07, 2017, 02:45:24 am »
Caleb Snow sits in a tent with Mance Randy, the leader of the Free Users beyond the wall. They drink from flagons made of bone. A group of users from Rotten Tomatoes, IMDb, and Letterboxd sit around silently,
waiting for one of them to speak.


Randy: "We don't get much of your kind up here, Snow. Why are you this far from the comfort of the Oasis?"

Caleb: "The Red Woman told me of thousands of users to the north, trying valiantly to survive in the wastelands of dying websites. She said that you're trying to come south to our forum. Why? What are you fleeing from?"

Randy: "Something... horrible. Vicious and ancient. Our admins have forsaken us, Caleb Snow. We have been left to fend for ourselves against an unstoppable evil that knows no mercy and has no soul. It has overrun our websites, and pushed us further and further to the margins of the internet, to the point that I fear we may fall off. It is hopeless to resist them..."

Caleb: "Have no fear. You and I may disagree on many things, but we have a common love for our lord N'hollon. Join me, and help me destroy our enemies-- Jedffrey and his Battlefield Earth, Diego Tutlister and his love for Alien and Blade Runner, Queen Frankie and her--"

Randy: "You still don't understand. The real war is not between one group of film critics or another. It's not even between fanboys and snobs. No... the real war is between all movie lovers... and them."

Caleb: "And who are they?"

Randy: "Oh, if only you knew..."

Thousands of miles north of Caleb, an army of unthinking zombies marches doggedly south. They trudge through the snow, their eyes empty and lifeless, their faces mottled and frozen. Though they are slow-moving,
they march at a determined pace. It is clear no obstacle will stand in their way.


At the front of the sea of zombies are a group of riders on horseback. Their leader is a green-lipped creature that seems to be somewhere between male and female, with an unfeeling gaze and black hair messily knotted around its head. It raises an arm and lets out a deafening screech.

Sally Jane Black: "FOR SOCIAL JUSTICE!"

The creature's followers cheer for their dark master, calling out additional buzzwords such as 'problematic casting' and 'whitewashing.' The army of the braindead is coming, and with them comes the end of film criticism as we know it.
« Last Edit: August 07, 2017, 02:46:58 am by Diego Tutweiller »
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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #122 on: August 07, 2017, 03:16:55 am »
Damn, excellent reveal.
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Diego Tutweiller

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #123 on: August 08, 2017, 02:38:33 am »
Domwell Cobbly trudges into the camp beyond the wall, accompanied by Jennifer Lawrence and the other men of the Forum Watch. He looks around, confused, and his eyes lock on to Caleb Snow, who runs out from a tent to greet him.

Dom: "Caleb... you're looking..."

Caleb: "Terrible, I know. There's nothing whatsoever to eat up here."

Dom: "What are you talking about? This land is teeming with deer, fish, squirrels... oh, never mind. We thought you were dead!"

Caleb: "Well, I was. But I got better. I've found my people, Dom. I shall lead the proletariat in an uprising against the bourgeois of the Oasis. We need to get these commoners south of the wall before the forces of evil attack. Will you help me?"

Dom: "So... you mean we're killing all the pretentious, elitist snobs?"

Caleb: "Uh... yes, I suppose so."

Dom unsheathes his sword and kneels.

Dom: "My sword is yours. Now and always."

Caleb: "Stand up, you weirdo. Come into my tent and have a drink with me!"

Dom suddenly notices the cup in Caleb's hand, which seems to be hewn from a skull.

Dom: "Caleb, I'm shocked that you'd drink out of that. Doesn't that violate your principles?"

Caleb looks down in horror.

Caleb: "What... oh... oh gods, you're right! What have I done?! I've drunk mead from the skull of an animal! Tiny particles of its bone are moving through my intestinal tract as we speak! I-- I am breathing my last!"

Mance Randy: "Fear not, Lord Caleb. That cup was carved from the skull of one of our tribal elders. He became too weak to move from camp to camp, so I killed him with my bare hands and turned his head into a mug."

Caleb exhales deeply.

Caleb: "Oh, thank the gods. For a moment there, I thought you people were barbarians."
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Robert Neville

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #124 on: August 10, 2017, 04:27:02 pm »
So, it seems like Mace Randy has essentially assumed the role of Dany after Nicolerys' untimely death in the earlier season. And since he's the leader of the free users, I wonder who was the tribal elder? Looka? Death Proof? Fujitani? Quite Gone Genie?

Also, just remembered Andrea is still around. Wonder where that's going to lead?

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #125 on: August 10, 2017, 05:10:42 pm »
Not enough Cutler.  Make every character's name Cutler.

J. Kashmir

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #126 on: August 11, 2017, 01:21:13 am »
Is Tomm(y South) going to get more screentime?

Diego Tutweiller

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #127 on: August 11, 2017, 02:54:19 am »
William Costigan has brought his army to the gates of Snyderfell. Defending the stronghold is the cripple, John, along with a few dozen poorly-equipped men. Defeat seems imminent. John has been brought to the ramparts, and he looks down upon the invaders gathered beneath him.

Costigan: "Young Jonathan! Surrender this castle and the lives of your men will be spared. The realm does not need more senseless bloodshed."

John: "You do not understand, Lord Costigan. I can see every move you make before you make it. I see everything now. Past, present, future. I have seen films older than you or I, and I have seen films that do not yet exist. I am the three-eyed movie pirate."

Costigan: "That's blatant thievery!"

John: "That's one way of putting it. When it comes to films, I pay the iron price."

Costigan: "Enough of this. Open your gates!"

John's eyes roll back into his head. Another vision is coming to him.

John: "I see everything about you, Costigan. Your fragility. Your weaknesses. You have allied with Diego Tutweiller, but how will he react when he discovers that you liked Wonder Woman and Alien: Covenant? You even enjoy Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. You have no place among the elitists and snobs of this realm."

Costigan looks visibly frightened.

Costigan: "How do you know any of this? Archers! Shoot him down!"

John: "You may try to pretend, Costigan, but you love the Fast and Furious franchise. You love Marvel movies. I can see all of this inside your mind, as easily as reading a book. I sense the conflict within you... you are torn between two worlds, and you never feel at home in either. It would be a shame if Tutweiller were to hear of any of this... because he tends to pay his debts."

Panicked, Costigan turns and runs through a gauntlet of his best soldiers, trying to escape John's eerie, booming voice. He slips on a patch of wet grass, falls, and hits his head on a rock. The soldiers look at one another, confused.

John: "Lay down your arms and no harm will come to you. But if you choose to betray me, just know... I am always watching."

The soldiers throw down their swords and run into into the forest, screaming.

John: "Body count: 16."
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Diego Tutweiller

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #128 on: August 15, 2017, 03:04:50 am »
Diego Tutlister is traveling to the capitol alongside Bazelle of Tarth, a mysterious lady knight who isn't particularly talkative. The trip has been humorless and grim.

Diego: "For gods' sake, let's discuss something. We're not entirely without common ground, you know. You want to talk about how terrible The Force Awakens was?"

Shockwave: "No."

Diego: "See? Every time I try to strike up a conversation, you just log out on me. There must be something you want to talk about..."

Shockwave: "I'm sorry."

"I don't converse with oathbreakers."

"Maybe if you hadn't betrayed King Fujitani, we'd be having a very different conversation."

Diego: "Ah, so now the truth comes out, doesn't it? For your information, I only turned on Fujitani to save the people of Rotten Tomatoes. Just like everything else I do, I did it for the greater good. Including child murder. And incest. Do you know what Fujitani planned to do if I didn't kill him?"

Shockwave: "What?"

Diego: "He wanted to see the website burned to the ground. He would rather have destroyed all movie discussion than allowed anyone else to take control over it. He had already removed review comments on Rotten Tomatoes... then he ruined the comment chains... and his final plan was to take the forums down altogether. Towards the end, he was banning users right and left... it was madness. His last words will haunt me for the rest of my days."

Shockwave: "What were they?"

Diego: "'Ban them all.'"
« Last Edit: August 15, 2017, 03:10:41 am by Diego Tutweiller »
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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #129 on: August 15, 2017, 11:10:53 pm »
"Ban them all" is one of my favorite moments of this saga so far.
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Diego Tutweiller

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #130 on: August 16, 2017, 03:43:59 am »
In Admin's Landing, a royal wedding is about to take place. King Jedffrey is betrothed to Lord Loki, much to the discontent of Loki's sworn bannerman, Hazelrabbit. Tyrfien has been tasked with welcoming an honored guest to the capitol, a task he does not take much pride in. He finds his guest, a swarthy fellow from the far south, at a local bordello.

Tyrfien: "Raynoberyn Martell, isn't it? A pleasure to meet you. My father welcomes you to the capitol. He is sorry he could not be here himself to greet you."

Raynoberyn: "Spare me your false courtesies, Tyrfien. We all know your father wants to build a wall to keep my people out. I am not welcome here."

Tyrfien: "Well... yes. My father has been going a tad senile lately. But King Jedffrey welcomes you with open arms."

Raynoberyn: "Ah, the new king. Tell me, Lord Tyrfien... what is this Jedffrey like? I will know if you lie."

Tyrfien pauses.

Tyrfien: "I found six transgender prostitutes strangled to death around his leather bed last night. And that's probably only the third-strangest thing I've caught him doing in the past week. He is a madman."

Raynoberyn: "Good. That will make things much easier. Tell your father I am here. And tell him... Tutlisters are not the only ones who pay their debts."

Raynoberyn flounces away.

Tyrfien: "Tomm, do you know my food taster?"

Tomm: "I do indeed, me droogie."

Tyrfien: "See to it that we double his pay."
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Diego Tutweiller

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #131 on: August 18, 2017, 01:56:30 am »
A royal procession makes its way through the city center. King Jedffrey walks alongside Queen Frankie and Tyrfien, with a squadron of elite knights guarding them. The commoners begin to shout insults from the rooftops, and Jedffrey looks around, confused.

Jedffrey: "Why are they protesting me? The siege is lifted. They have plenty of food."

Tyrfien: "They're not starving, you imbecile. They want to see good movies. You've taken away all of their favorite films and replaced them with Battlefield Earth and Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close. If I weren't related to you, I'd probably be protesting too."

Commoner: "All hail King Jedffrey! The one true king! [/sarcasm]!"

Commoner: "Please, your grace! Just because you didn't understand Pulp Fiction doesn't mean you have to ban it!"

Suddenly, something wet hits Jedffrey in the face. He screams and tries to wipe it off. It is salad dressing.

Jedffrey: "Who did that? Who threw that? Find who did that and ban him immediately!"

Tyrfien: "You can't deny their right to peaceful protest, your grace!"

Jedffrey: "I don't care! Bash their heads! We need law and order in this country! These people are rapists and murderers, and they're bringing drugs and crime into my city!"

Lord Dylin nods in approval of Jedffrey's words. However, the procession is suddenly accosted by a gang of balaclava-wearing hoodlums, who scream obscenities at Jedffrey and his family. Caught in the middle, Tyrfien looks around in panic.

Commoner: "NO FASCISTS IN THE OASIS!"

Commoner: "Succotash my ballsack, Jedffrey!"

Tyrfien: "That's it. Make a break for it!"

The royal family fights its way through the screaming crowd, barely making it to the gates of the Jed Keep.
 The commoners continue to scream and throw molotov cocktails outside, but the king is safe.


Tyrfien: "Oh, Jedffrey, you blind bloody fool. We've had pervert kings, and we've had tasteless kings, but I don't know if we've ever been cursed with a tasteless pervert for a king! Do you hear them screaming? They want quality films, you idiot, not the drivel you've been forcing upon them! You'd better hope this royal wedding distracts them, otherwise you're going to have a lot to answer for!"

Outside the castle, the commoners crowd around a statue of King Jedffrey in the city square. Pelting it with salad dressing and Dunkin Donuts cups, they lasso it with ropes and pull it from its pedestal. The head is removed, and the people kick it through the streets.
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Diego Tutweiller

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #132 on: August 18, 2017, 02:11:16 am »
inb4 "I liked this show before it was politicized."

J. Kashmir

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #133 on: August 18, 2017, 02:24:42 am »
inb4 "I liked this show before it was politicized."
Given the source material's focus on political intrigue it makes sense. In order for this to become, say, a late night show echo chamber, the quality of the writing would have to take a downturn.
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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #134 on: August 18, 2017, 03:30:49 am »
lol politics.
Goodbye!

Diego Tutweiller

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #135 on: August 20, 2017, 03:38:04 am »
Lord Dylin approaches the throne as King Jedffrey sits lazily, eating guacamole. The throne room is otherwise empty, and Dylin's footsteps echo against the marble.

Dylin: "You asked to see me, your grace...?"

Jedffrey: "Yes, grandfather. I wanted to know how my wedding ceremony was coming along. I haven't been on any of the Skype calls between my advisers lately."

Dylin: "You're welcome to Skype with us whenever you like... typically that prevents you from getting into too much trouble..."

Jedffrey: "I've been very busy with my new job. I'm working as a clam shucker at Wendy's."

Dylin's lip curls.

Dylin: "I never took you for a clam shucker, your grace..."

Jedffrey: "Please give me a report on what's been happening at my small council meetings."

Dylin: "We have been working to quell the remaining rebels in the east... fortunately we have Lord Brendan Tullyvan as a hostage..."

Jedffrey: "Lord Brendan? I thought he was stabbed in the head!"

Dylin: "He was... fortunately, the blade didn't hit anything important. Also, there are rumors from the east about dragons returning..."

Jedffrey: "Well shouldn't we do something about it?"

Dylin: "I would pay it no mind... there is no one left on this earth to control them. The last dragonrider died three hundred years ago... and even if that weren't the case... our plan to build a wall should keep out all undesirables, dragons included..."

Somewhere far from the Oasis, a massive creature rears its scaled head. It tramples a small village, devouring commoners indiscriminately, and roars a mighty roar. The creature lifts its head, almost knocking its rider from its back. The man sitting astride it pats it gently.

Goldblum: "There ah there... good boy. Genetic power truly is ah is the most awesome force the ah planet has ever seen."

Goldblum and his T-Rex continue their rampage. They are heading west.
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Diego Tutweiller

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #136 on: August 28, 2017, 01:33:55 am »
In the far north, Caleb Snow has led his motley band of users to the gates of the Oasis. All that stands between them and salvation is the massive, impassable wall. Caleb sighs deeply.

Caleb: "This will be a difficult climb, my friends. Especially for you, Domwell. You never were the athletic type."

Mance Randy: "Have no fear, Caleb Snow. This is where I leave you. Take my people to freedom. You are their leader now. I have other business to attend to here in the north before I can join you."

Caleb: "What are you saying?"

Mance Randy: "You are the king beyond the firewall now, Caleb Snow."

Caleb looks overjoyed. He looks around at the massive army of shivering, destitute users with a maniacal gleam in his eyes. He turns to Domwell.

Domwell: "This was a wise decision on Randy's part. You have always been a natural leader, Caleb Snow. Humble and honest. You never sought out power, but you know what to do with it when it is given to you--"

Caleb: "All right, LINE UP! The elderly and sickly will be left here to die. Those of you with axes, please do your duty, and kill those who are of ill health. Dig a mass grave for them if possible, but it's fine to just burn them. Domwell, you will be the new chief of my secret police. Weed out those who would defy The Party and bring me their heads. When we get to the other side of the wall, I will begin to divide you into the skills that you are most genetically suited for. Mostly, we need potato and beet farmers. The key word here is OPTIMIZATION, people! I will not abide wasted labor!"

Domwell: "What have we done?"
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Diego Tutweiller

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #137 on: August 28, 2017, 10:29:18 pm »
The royal wedding between King Jedffrey and Loki is starting. Tyrfien sits watching Jedffrey and his fiancee with a scornful look on his face. At the moment, Jedffrey is is fawning over his wedding gifts, including a fancy new leather bed, which came from his husband-to-be's family.

Jedffrey: "I'm utterly flattered, you strapping young lad. Embrace me, and throw your emotions into my heart, and let us dance in the beautiful Tudor roses until we fall down and gaze upon the water, as an everlasting dream."

Tyrfien: "Seventeen years ago, John Travolta whacked off into a VHS sleeve of Battlefield Earth, and this is what slithered out."

Dylin: "Now now, Tyrfien... be on your best behavior today... I will not have you embarrassing our new king at his wedding feast..."

Tyrfien: "I promise nothing."

Jedffrey: "Who's next? Uncle! What have you given me for my wedding?"

Tyrfien slides slowly from his chair, walks over to Jedffrey's table, slams a $5 Dunkin Donuts gift card down, and walks away. Jedffrey turns beet red as Tyrfien sits back down.

Jedffrey: "What is the meaning of this?!"

Tyrfien: "I think you know all too well, your grace."

Jedffrey: "I shall punish you!"

Tyrfien: "No, you shan't. Your power is limited, my king. You may have control of the forums... for now... but you will not ban me with impunity. You can choose to either humbly accept my gift, or to publicly humiliate yourself by extending this conflict between us. I await my thank-you note."

Jedffrey: "I choose the latter!"

Tyrfien: "Yes, I thought you might."
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Diego Tutweiller

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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #138 on: August 29, 2017, 03:10:20 am »
The wedding is underway. Jedffrey and Loki say their vows, and the crowd cheers. Tyrfien looks on from the sidelines drunkenly while Frankie stares him down.

Jedffrey: "Huzzah!"

Tyrfien: "Faggot."

Frankie: "What did you just say about our king?"

Tyrfien: "Um... I said 'Hurrah for Jedffrey, the one true admin of the Oasis; may he live a long and healthy life.'"

Frankie: "Huh. It sounded like fewer syllables than that."

Frankie: "He's obviously lying, you idiot!"

Frankie: "Of course!" Frankie turns back to Tyrfien. "You're a bitter little man. Father should never have made you an admin. When this is finished, I'll talk to him about stripping you of your titles. The Oasis is not safe when you have your finger on the ban button."

Tyrfien: "Sister, you wound me. Under my rule, the Oasis has prospered like never before."

Frankie: "Didn't you just ban another user last week because he said The Amazing Spider-Man 2 was better than Spider-Man 3?"

Tyrfien: "That one was deserved."

Jedffrey: "Uncle! Come here. You can be my guacamole-bearer!"

Tyrfien: "Fuck fucking pussy faggot cunts like you who suck too much dick."

The crowd goes completely silent. Jedffrey looks incensed.

Tyrfien: "I may have crossed a line here..."
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Re: Diego Tutweiller Presents: A Game of Trolls
« Reply #139 on: August 30, 2017, 02:03:56 am »
The crippled Lord John is sitting by the fire in Castle Snyderfell. Kate Tyler enters.

Kate: "You wanted to see me, mi'lord?"

John: "I don't have to ask to see you, Kate. I see everything now. Everything that is happening, and everything that has ever happened."

Kate: "That sounds like an extremely useful plot device."

John: "It's torture. Do you know how many times I've seen Gods of Egypt already?"

Kate: "No..."

John: "Four million, three hundred twenty-five thousand, eight hundred and sixty-two times. Wait, make that sixty-three. Some guy in Florida just put a copy of it into his DVD player."

Kate: "With great power comes great responsibility, mi'lord. You must use this power for good."

John: "I shall. I shall use it to push the story forward, wherever and whenever it is necessary. I have seen secrets that only I know. Caleb Snow's father was not Lord Tatum. No... he was conceived by someone else entirely. It explains everything. It explains why he never enjoyed Snyder's films, even after growing up around people like me and Danny Oh. Caleb's true father... is the Lord of Grit, N'hollon. He is the result of a virgin birth. He is the chosen one, who shall bring balance to the Oasis and destroy the light side."

Kate: "I think we're mixing our spoofs here, mi'lord..."

John: "Caleb needs to know that N'hollon is his father. And I need to be the one to tell him. Ready my sled, and be sure to equip it with WiFi so I can keep pirating films on our journey north."

Kate: "It will be done, mi'lord." Kate turns to leave, but pauses halfway out the door. "Mi'lord... if you see everything now... did you see me taking a shower just before I came here?"

John: "You were so beautiful that night... with your soapy tits."
Winner Winner x 7 View List

 

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