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Author Topic: Florida: Crackhead Disneyland  (Read 59 times)

Tut

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Florida: Crackhead Disneyland
« on: April 14, 2018, 01:53:08 am »
In these great United States, there are many cultured, beautiful cities. Philadelphia. Boston. New York. San Francisco. These cities are visited by hundreds of thousands of people every year, not for their tacky amusement parks or cumstained carnival rides, but because the cities themselves are interesting. There is no need to intentionally build tourist attractions in cities like San Francisco, because the city itself is an attraction. We built the Golden Gate Bridge so Marinites could commute, not because our city is so trashy we need to desperately throw up tourist attractions in order to trick people into coming here.

And then there's Florida.



Florida was once the home of the mythical Fountain of Youth. Hundreds of years later, wrinkled old prunes like Dylan still migrate there-- but not in search of the youth they once lost. No, these geezers simply require a one-story retirement home in which to play shuffleboard, go square dancing, and eventually die a peaceful death. More elderly Jews have perished in this godforsaken state than in the Nazi concentration camps. It truly is America's hidden holocaust.

In order to attract gullible tourists to this soggy, cockroach-infested, pancake-flat hellscape, Florida bills itself as a sun-baked paradise for people too poor to afford a trip to San Diego. Let us examine this claim using the city that Dylan holds up as an example of Floridian excellence-- Daytona Beach.

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Tut

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Re: Florida: Crackhead Disneyland
« Reply #1 on: April 14, 2018, 02:22:53 am »
Spoiler (hover to show)

This is a satellite view of Daytona Beach. Like a soggy cracker in a bowl of soup, it appears to be gradually sinking below sea level. The highest point in the state of Florida is called Britton Hill, which is just on the Alabama border-- standing a staggering 345 feet high, this towering peak has no elevation prominence or view from the top. It is ranked 50th on the list of highest elevations by state, making Florida the flattest state in the union.

Between the flatness and the dense foliage, it's hard to see more than a fraction of a mile in any direction. This is one of many reasons why the Floridian subhuman is driven to insanity-- the lack of landmarks or vantage points makes navigation in Florida nearly impossible. Every gas station, trailer park, and meth lab in the state is virtually identical, and the state's labyrinth of swamps and waterways provides yet more obstacles. As natives wander the state's sinkhole-ridden streets and make their way through thickets of jungle overgrowth that crop up in their backyards, the humidity and stench of human sweat begin to chip away at their fragile sanity. To dull the pain, most turn to meth. Others prefer bath salts.

ChillinDylan Godsend

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Re: Florida: Crackhead Disneyland
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2018, 10:19:17 am »
It's Disney WORLD, not DisneyLAND.  Get it right.  And we're proud of our meth.  Now carry on...

Tut

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Re: Florida: Crackhead Disneyland
« Reply #3 on: April 14, 2018, 07:37:46 pm »
Spoiler (hover to show)

Here we see one of the entrances to Daytona Beach's famous boardwalk. Situated snugly between the dumpsters of two ugly hotels, it is one of many similarly hideous beach access points in the state. While I will happily concede that Florida is surrounded by a thin strip of sand that is reasonably livable, traveling anywhere inland is not recommended.

This all assumes that you're a basic beach bitch whose idea of vacation is lounging around on a crowded patch of sand, getting white-hot grains in the folds of your genitals. I personally prefer the National Parks for my vacations, as I am an intellectual. The state also has some of the worst humidity in the country, making alternative vacation beaches such as Hawaii and San Diego infinitely more preferable. As a California resident, the only experience I've ever had with serious humidity is in the tropical plant exhibit at the Berkeley botanical gardens.

Let's contrast that Florida beach with a typical beach access point in Southern California.

Spoiler (hover to show)

In California and states like South Carolina, there are fairly old cities on the coasts-- the city of San Francisco was founded in 1776 by Spanish explorers, and its unique architecture reflects its long, rich history. Meanwhile, the state of Florida took until 1930 to hit a population of over 1,000,000, as few people wanted to migrate to live in a swampy, alligator-infested mudhole. To attract tourists, Floridians threw up countless tacky attractions and billed their state as some sort of sunny paradise. This began to trick people, helped along by bogus boomtowns like Cape Coral that scammed homeowners out of their money.



The upshot is that Florida's coastline is peppered with architecturally bankrupt motels built in the 1970s, while San Francisco, Charleston, San Diego, Savannah, and Los Angeles thrive on their own merits.

ChillinDylan Godsend

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Re: Florida: Crackhead Disneyland
« Reply #4 on: April 14, 2018, 09:52:42 pm »
Spoiler (hover to show)

Here we see one of the entrances to Daytona Beach's famous boardwalk. Situated snugly between the dumpsters of two ugly hotels, it is one of many similarly hideous beach access points in the state. While I will happily concede that Florida is surrounded by a thin strip of sand that is reasonably livable, traveling anywhere inland is not recommended.

This all assumes that you're a basic beach bitch whose idea of vacation is lounging around on a crowded patch of sand, getting white-hot grains in the folds of your genitals. I personally prefer the National Parks for my vacations, as I am an intellectual. The state also has some of the worst humidity in the country, making alternative vacation beaches such as Hawaii and San Diego infinitely more preferable. As a California resident, the only experience I've ever had with serious humidity is in the tropical plant exhibit at the Berkeley botanical gardens.

Let's contrast that Florida beach with a typical beach access point in Southern California.

Spoiler (hover to show)

In California and states like South Carolina, there are fairly old cities on the coasts-- the city of San Francisco was founded in 1776 by Spanish explorers, and its unique architecture reflects its long, rich history. Meanwhile, the state of Florida took until 1930 to hit a population of over 1,000,000, as few people wanted to migrate to live in a swampy, alligator-infested mudhole. To attract tourists, Floridians threw up countless tacky attractions and billed their state as some sort of sunny paradise. This began to trick people, helped along by bogus boomtowns like Cape Coral that scammed homeowners out of their money.



The upshot is that Florida's coastline is peppered with architecturally bankrupt motels built in the 1970s, while San Francisco, Charleston, San Diego, Savannah, and Los Angeles thrive on their own merits.

LOL - still posting supposedly "bad" pictures of Daytona and the best you can come up with is one of the many cross-sectioned streets that accesses the beach with garbage bins on the side.  You know what I don't see in that picture?  GARBAGE.  Like THIS...

WELCOME TO SAN FRANCISCO






Tut

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Re: Florida: Crackhead Disneyland
« Reply #5 on: April 14, 2018, 11:35:20 pm »
Shocker-- when you Google "Bay Area garbage," you get pictures of Bay Area garbage. My random streetviews are unbiased.

ChillinDylan Godsend

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Re: Florida: Crackhead Disneyland
« Reply #6 on: April 14, 2018, 11:49:34 pm »
Shocker-- when you Google "Bay Area garbage," you get pictures of Bay Area garbage. My random streetviews are unbiased.

Also shocker - when you Google Daytona Beach street garbage, you get no pictures of garbage on the streets of Daytona.  Imagine that!  But nice dumpsters in which people who live in those condos throw their garbage.  Maybe we can give instructions to the folks of San Francisco on how that works. 


 

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