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Author Topic: Starting my new film script!  (Read 691 times)

Diego Tutweiller

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Starting my new film script!
« on: July 24, 2016, 01:39:24 am »
Open on a black screen. A small point of light appears, growing slightly. Inaudible, muffled voices can be heard in the background.

The point of light grows more, taking on a yellowish hue, and the voices become louder. Finally, the light reveals itself to be a person, smiling innocently.

Channing Tatum (narration): "Hi. I'm Channing Tatum. But you can call me the physical embodiment of Joy. I love movies. I really love superhero movies! And I just looooved Man of Steel! I'm just on my first day of the job here. And my entire job... is to make sure the head I live in stays happy!"

The camera pans over to a massive, sepia-toned screen. In it, two Asian parents are smiling broadly at their newborn son.

Father: "Hey there son. Welcome to the world."

Mother: "I love you... Danny."

INSIDE OHT

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Jim Raynor

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Re: Starting my new film script!
« Reply #1 on: July 24, 2016, 02:16:01 am »
Oh man, this gotta keep going!

CT_Sexybeast

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Re: Starting my new film script!
« Reply #2 on: July 24, 2016, 04:18:49 am »
A future classic in the making.
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Suspect #1

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Re: Starting my new film script!
« Reply #3 on: July 24, 2016, 07:46:03 am »
LOL.  I died with laughter at "Danny" and I have no idea why.
Goodbye!

Diego Tutweiller

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Re: Starting my new film script!
« Reply #4 on: July 24, 2016, 01:27:55 pm »
A montage of Danny growing up begins. He crawls around, watches Batman cartoons on TV in the morning, and runs around with his imaginary friend, Superman. His life is happy.

Mother: "Here comes the airplane, sweetie! Open wide!"

Danny: "Mama, where's the puppy?"

Mother: "Never mind that now, Danny. Open up!"

However, another point of light forms. This one is blue, and it grows slowly into another anthropomorphized emotion. It slouches up next to Channing Tatum, looking morose and glum.

Tatum: "Oh. That's Robert Neville... or Sadness. He's never satisfied with just enjoying a movie, he has to analyze it too. It's so exhausting. His job is to try and suck all the fun out of Danny's life... and he's pretty good at it, too."

Neville: "That's not true. My duties here are actually quite clear-- I am needed in order to facilitate good taste and ensure that Danny does not let the giddy, fanboy part of his brain get carried away by your reckless--"

Tatum: "Oooh! Oooh! Shut up! A new Batman v Superman trailer just aired!"

Neville: *Sigh*
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John Tyler

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Re: Starting my new film script!
« Reply #5 on: July 24, 2016, 01:57:19 pm »
Already a masterwork, but will it top Game of Trolls or The Film Short?
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Diego Tutweiller

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Re: Starting my new film script!
« Reply #6 on: July 25, 2016, 01:48:13 am »
Tatum: "Danny's cluttered little head only got more cluttered from there. First, we were introduced to Fear."

John Tyler: "Guys, I just read an early tweet about BVS saying that Eisenberg as Luthor is totally shoehorned in! What do I do? What do I do?"

Tatum: "Check Latino Review, John! I'm sure it'll be okay."

Tyler: "Right... I'll check every movie news site I know of and get back to you. You want me to run scenarios in case the movie is bad?"

Tatum: "It won't be bad! Anyway, continuing on our little tour... then we met Anger."

Cutler: "Shut the fuck up, you west-coast, white-ass faggot. This movie will be shit. You know it. I know it. Stop narrating everything and prepare for imminent disaster. I say we throw an enormous temper tantrum."

Tatum: "I'll tell you what I told John! There's no way the film will suck. Now, on to our last emotion... Disgust."

Kashmir: "Ugh. Have you seen the latest Sausage Party trailer? It looks like garbage swill. Charles Longboat Senior would never allow me to see a film so crass and lowbrow. I count myself fortunate that it will not be playing at the theater inside our gated community."

Tatum: "That's great, Kashmir-- but what we really want is your opinion on BVS and Suicide Squad!"

Kashmir: "Spread that ass."

Tatum: "Yes, it's business as usual here in Danny's brain. I have to keep all these negative emotions in check, manage expectations, and most importantly, make sure Danny has fun! Fun is the most important thing when seeing a movie, right guys?"

Neville: "Actually--"

Tatum: "I don't even want to hear it. Anyway, my job might be hard, but hey, Danny's only 15 years old. What's the worst that could happen?"

Suddenly, a warning siren goes off. On the sepia-toned screen in front of him, Tatum sees a big red warning flash: EMBARGO LIFTED. As he watches, Batman v Superman's score on Rotten Tomatoes shows up-- 9%.

Tatum: "THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN!"
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CT_Sexybeast

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Re: Starting my new film script!
« Reply #7 on: July 25, 2016, 01:55:03 am »
Actor commentary:

I won't lie, while I was disappointed that BvS was getting such terrible reviews, a part of me was really entertained by Danny's spiral into insanity.
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Danny Darkoh

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Re: Starting my new film script!
« Reply #8 on: July 25, 2016, 02:02:46 am »
TBH, I was expecting Andrew to be the happiness emotion. He agrees with me more about BvS than Tatun.

CT_Sexybeast

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Re: Starting my new film script!
« Reply #9 on: July 25, 2016, 02:51:15 am »
TBH, I was expecting Andrew to be the happiness emotion. He agrees with me more about BvS than Tatun.
Maybe if Joy rage-quit Riley's brain and went on a road trip to Aurora, Colorado it'd be more accurate.
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Catbus!

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Re: Starting my new film script!
« Reply #10 on: July 25, 2016, 11:34:33 am »
Laying odds right now that the huge scary clown will be Hazelrabbit.
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Robert Neville

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Re: Starting my new film script!
« Reply #11 on: July 25, 2016, 11:57:51 am »
Wait, does Kashmir actually live in a gated community?

Catbus!

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Re: Starting my new film script!
« Reply #12 on: July 25, 2016, 02:05:38 pm »
Wait, does Kashmir actually live in a gated community?

Is that what they call prison nowadays?
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Diego Tutweiller

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Re: Starting my new film script!
« Reply #13 on: July 28, 2016, 12:49:19 pm »
Tatum stares around at the other four emotions. Immediately, panic ensues. John starts scrolling rapidly through review sites, Neville shrugs apathetically, and Cutler looks ready to implode.

Kashmir: "9%? I... I think I'm gonna be sick..."

Tatum: "No, uh... this is actually a good thing! Because... uh... fuck..."

Neville: "Ah, yes. Stage one of grief: Denial. Try as you might, Tatum, but you will not be able to spin this one in your favor. The forces of good taste have accomplished a great victory today. There is only one thing left to do-- make Danny asphyxiate himself using his Batman Action Utility Belt. You want to pull the lever, or should I?"

Tatum: "Cut it out, Sadness! You'll make Danny depressed."

John: "We're way past that already! I recommend we curl up in a fetal position for the rest of the week."

Tatum: "Everyone just shut up and let me think! I need a plan to-- Sadness, what are you doing?"

Neville: "Pulling the suicide lever. Everyone ready to turn their keys? We're sinking this ship."

Tatum: "No! Get away from that console!"

Tatum and Neville struggle for a moment. Suddenly, Tatum takes a wrong step, and he is sucked into one of the many pneumatic tubes in Danny's brain, with Neville following close after him. The tube closes shut.

John: "Dear God... now Danny is incapable of feeling happiness! We've turned him into Diego Tutweiller!"

*Cue laugh track*
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Caleb Paasche

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Re: Starting my new film script!
« Reply #14 on: July 28, 2016, 05:29:19 pm »
Tatum stares around at the other four emotions. Immediately, panic ensues. John starts scrolling rapidly through review sites, Neville shrugs apathetically, and Cutler looks ready to implode.

Kashmir: "9%? I... I think I'm gonna be sick..."

Tatum: "No, uh... this is actually a good thing! Because... uh... fuck..."

Neville: "Ah, yes. Stage one of grief: Denial. Try as you might, Tatum, but you will not be able to spin this one in your favor. The forces of good taste have accomplished a great victory today. There is only one thing left to do-- make Danny asphyxiate himself using his Batman Action Utility Belt. You want to pull the lever, or should I?"

Tatum: "Cut it out, Sadness! You'll make Danny depressed."

John: "We're way past that already! I recommend we curl up in a fetal position for the rest of the week."

Tatum: "Everyone just shut up and let me think! I need a plan to-- Sadness, what are you doing?"

Neville: "Pulling the suicide lever. Everyone ready to turn their keys? We're sinking this ship."

Tatum: "No! Get away from that console!"

Tatum and Neville struggle for a moment. Suddenly, Tatum takes a wrong step, and he is sucked into one of the many pneumatic tubes in Danny's brain, with Neville following close after him. The tube closes shut.

John: "Dear God... now Danny is incapable of feeling happiness! We've turned him into Diego Tutweiller!"

*Cue laugh track*
That last line, funniest thing I've seen all week.
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J. Kashmir

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Re: Starting my new film script!
« Reply #15 on: July 28, 2016, 05:58:33 pm »
I kind of want to see some slight deviation from the movie, namely a drawn out version of the Girl Alarm gag featuring the girl from the Sound of Silence thread.
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Gold Jeffblum

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Re: Starting my new film script!
« Reply #16 on: July 29, 2016, 10:59:31 am »
*cue laugh track* ah actually made me laugh.

Diego Tutweiller

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Re: Starting my new film script!
« Reply #17 on: July 29, 2016, 12:50:25 pm »
Tatum and Neville land at the other end of the pneumatic tube, deep in the back of Danny's mind. They stand up and brush themselves off, taking stock of the situation.

Tatum: "Oh no... all of Danny's islands of thought are down! Movie island... superhero island... Oasis island... fried dog island... what are we going to do?"

Neville: "Well, given that Danny's mind has now gone numb to the feeling of joy, we're likely going to fade away into nonexistence suddenly when Danny inevitably drops a toaster in his bathtub. Given the fact that we are not real, and are instead clever visual metaphors used to describe abstract concepts, the process should be relatively painless."

Tatum: "Shut up! I'm sick of your pessimism, Sadness!"

Neville: "I'm merely stating facts. Hey, what's that enormous dark gaping pit of death behind you?"

Tatum turns to see a seemingly bottomless pit of darkness behind him. He jumps away from the edge.

Tatum: "Oh man... that's the Pit of Snyder. As Danny gets older, some of his happy memories and thoughts get thrown down there. Anything that falls into the Pit of Snyder immediately becomes dark, brooding, and horrible... turning Danny into a depressing cynic."

Neville: "Sounds like my kind of pit."

Suddenly, a whooshing sound is heard in the sky, and Tatum and Neville look up to see a man in a cape and costume hovering above them. It's Superman, defender of truth, justice, and the American way!

Tatum: "I know you! You're Danny's imaginary friend from when he was younger! Oh, the world was so much simpler back then. You're Christopher Reeve, aren't you?"

Superman: "Right you are, Joy! Are you two lost? Do you need help?"

Tatum: "Yes! Thank you so much, Superman! I know I can count on you to save us. If anything in the world can remain uncorrupted by the Pit of Snyder, it's you!"

Neville looks at the camera and shakes his head solemnly.
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Diego Tutweiller

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Re: Starting my new film script!
« Reply #18 on: July 30, 2016, 01:30:49 am »
Back in the headquarters of Danny's brain, things are not going well. With Joy and Sadness gone, Danny has only Fear, Anger, and Disgust to operate his cerebral cortex. As the reviews continue to come in for the film, Danny's change in character becomes much more pronounced.

John: "Guys, I think we're really screwed. I checked all the major publications-- Latino Review, Screen Geek, others-- and I don't think Batman v Superman will even break 40%. Hell, it might stay below 30!"

Cutler: "It's fine, Fear. All we have to do is run Danny's brain while Joy and Sadness are away. Don't worry. I'm at the controls."

Kashmir: "We're doomed."

Anger presses a few buttons and pulls a lever. On the sepia-toned screen in front of them, the emotions see Danny start to write something on the Oasis.

Danny (typing): "Fuck you Diego, you fucking faggot. I'm done with this website. Foreskin. Chris Benoit. Gay sex."

Kashmir: "What the hell was that?"

At the back of Danny's brain, a tectonic shift occurs. Joy and Sadness watch as Oasis Island, one of the key thought islands of Danny's mind, tilts and falls into the Pit of Snyder. It has forever become a depressing place for Danny now-- filled with BVS arguments, trolls, and worst of all, people with legitimate criticisms of the film. Joy gasps as the island collapses.

Tatum: "No! Oasis Island! That was one of Danny's favorites! Oh, Sadness, what are we going to do? This movie is going to ruin every aspect of Danny's life!"

Superman: "Don't worry. I can fly you back! Just hang on to my arms and hum the classic Superman theme song! That's what gives me power!"

Tatum: "Great plan! Let's do it! Uh... by the classic Superman song, you mean the one by Hans Zimmer, right?"

Superman facepalms.
« Last Edit: July 30, 2016, 01:33:54 am by Diego Tutweiller »
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Diego Tutweiller

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Re: Starting my new film script!
« Reply #19 on: August 01, 2016, 01:38:20 am »
John: "Anger, get away from that console! I'm taking over!"

Cutler: "You want to be in charge? You? You'll have Danny fapping to Julianne Moore before the day is out!"

John: "I've got this! Now, uh... hmm... let's see."

Fear pushes a few buttons. Danny walks over and picks up his phone. He sees a message on it.

Text: "Aw, hahaha Danny. You're such a good friend."

John: "Friend? FRIEND! Oh God! What could that possibly mean? Panic mode! Panic mode! Abandon ship! Deploy the chutes! DO SOMETHING!"

Fear presses buttons wildly as sirens blare in Danny's head. Disgust pulls him away from the console as Anger takes control.

Cutler: "I'll fix everything! Take this, you inconsiderate bitch!"

Kashmir: "Wow. So far, so good."

At the back of Danny's mind, another island begins to collapse-- Social Island. It sinks into the Pit of Snyder as well, pulling hundreds of happy memories with it. Joy stares at the wreckage with horror.

Tatum: "What are we going to do? We have to get back to headquarters!"

Superman: "Hang onto my arm and I'll take you there! Hurry!"

Neville: "An excellent plan. However, there are a fair number of ways this could go wrong. Let's discuss it for a few days, and then take action."

Tatum: "Too late! Sorry Sadness, but I have to leave you. Danny needs to be happy! Let's go, Superman!"

Ignoring Sadness and his several paragraphs of protests, Joy grabs Superman's arm and they fly into the sky. However, over the Pit of Snyder, their altitude begins to drop, until suddenly they are in free-fall.

Tatum: "What's happening?"

Superman: "SAVE MARTHA! AAAARRRGGGAHABABAHAARRGH!"

Tatum: "Did you just turn into Henry Cavill?"

Superman: "Uh... no."
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