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Author Topic: The Film Short  (Read 512 times)

Diego Tutweiller

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The Film Short
« on: March 23, 2016, 04:03:19 pm »
The year was 2013 when a small group of amateur film reviewers saw what nobody else saw. They realized that the entire film and film-reviewing industry was propped up on a load of bad films. The studios bundled these films together into more marketable packages, called "Sub-Prime Franchises," and sold them off to audiences as if they were the real thing.

But these reviewers-- Diego Tutweiller, Jay Cutler, Jeff Goldblum, Alex Maverick, Jake Braden, and others-- saw that the bubble was about to burst. They saw something that all the reviewers, all the studios, and all the rating sites didn't see. That superhero franchises were doomed to fail. And when they did, they'd fail big. So they bet against Batman Vs Superman, and they bet huge. And when it did fail... they walked away with their heads held high.

This is the story of The Film Short.

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CT_Sexybeast

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2016, 04:14:57 pm »
So much yes...

Diego Tutweiller

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2016, 06:09:25 pm »
The Year: 2013

The Place: Rotten Tomatoes


Alex Maverick sits in his office. He hears a knock at his door.

Maverick: "Enter."

Tentatively, a young intern walks into Maverick's office. This intern is Ash J. Gilmore.

Gilmore: "You wanted to see me, sir?"

Maverick: "Yeah, Ash. Sit down. I've been looking through some of the scores this site has been putting out for movies recently, and it just isn't adding up. The-Film-That-Must-Not-Be-Named was at 70% a few days ago. It's still at around 60 now. What's up with that?"

Gilmore: "Well, the critics rate the quality of the movie as they see it. Nobody wants to hear negativity anymore. So if it gets an okay rating, I guess it deserves it."

Maverick raises his eyebrows.

Maverick: "Have you seen the film yet?"

Gilmore: "Well, no..."

Maverick turns his computer screen around. On it is a picture of Superman's baby penis.

Gilmore: "DEAR GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"

Maverick: "It's in the movie. I watched it last night. And I guarantee you-- it doesn't deserve a seventy, or a sixty, or even a fifty. This movie is certified rotten to the core, grade-A shit. A zero would be too kind for it."

Gilmore: "Hold on... you actually went through and watched the whole movie? Only the fanboys bother to do that!"

Maverick: "Exactly. Nobody here at RT has the slightest idea of what's going on. But what we're looking at here is a serious case of review score inflation, the likes of which have never been seen before. If this bubble bursts-- and it will-- we're looking at a 20-40% rating for Batman Vs Superman in three years."

Gilmore: "T... twenty to forty percent? How could they let this happen?"

Maverick: "Simple." Maverick looks at the camera. "They made shit films."

Diego Tutweiller

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2016, 06:56:24 pm »
Alex Maverick walks through the door of IMDb's headquarters.

Maverick: "Yeah, I'd like to bet against the blockbuster franchise industry."

A pudgy, jovial man sits behind his desk laughing. He gives off an odor of ass and chips. This man is John Tyler.

John: "Ahahaha... look, Mr. Maverick, nobody bets against blockbuster franchises anymore. We've got installments in the X-Men, Hunger Games, and Hobbit franchises coming out this year. My reviewing agency predicts full-on 10/10s for all three of them."

Maverick: "Yes... right... well, specifically, I'm looking long-term at Fantastic 4, Batman Vs Superman, the Ghostbusters remake, and Captain America: Civil War. These franchises will lose all viability soon, and when they do, studios will have to completely reevaluate their strategies."

John: "And if the films turn out to be good?"

Maverick: "We're not talking about what your rating agency, Flounder's, gives the movies. We're talking about the critical consensus and the audience's reaction. Trust me. They will not be good."

John whispers to his assistant for several minutes.

John: "Okay, Mr. Maverick, I think we can make a deal here. But why exactly did you come to IMDb for this?"

Maverick: "Simple. You guys have given passing scores to The-Film-That-Must-Not-Be-Named, Transformers films, and crap Marvel movies. This company is built on taking shit and passing it off as quality entertainment."

John watches Maverick walk out of the meeting. He looks visibly shaken.

James Orenthal Cutler

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2016, 07:17:43 pm »
Will there be a scene of Jeff Goldblum in a bathtub? 

Diego Tutweiller

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2016, 07:44:38 pm »
(Meanwhile, back at Rotten Tomatoes)

Jake Braden walks through the forums. He hears cheering coming from Flounder's Film News, a subsidiary of Flounder's Rating Agency.

Braden: "What's the party for?"

JW: "We're celebrating! We all just sold some joker on a bet against Batman Vs Superman, Fantastic 4, and a whole bunch of other movies! He even bet against The Hobbit Part III!"

Braden: "Huh... who was this guy?"

JW: "Just someone with a review site and no idea what was going on, I guess. Come on, join in the party! He went to my page, to Flounder's, to Moody's, to Groff's, to Cobb & Randy's... it's great!"

Braden: "No... I think I need to make a few calls."

Braden walks out of the party, stops, and looks at the camera.

Braden: "I didn't know it at the time, but I'd just stumbled upon the biggest problem the film market would face in the next decade. And nobody else knew what was going on. They just turned the other way. You might be wondering why. Well, first off, this stuff is stupid. Really fucking stupid. It's so stupid, in fact, it's complicated. Here's Ashley Taken in a bubble bath to explain."

Cut to Ashley Taken

Taken: "Look, movies like using big words to confuse people. That's why I like Christopher Nolan. He would never do that. And I don't want any drama, but here's how it is-- back in the day, superhero movies were crap and everyone knew it. But when special effects got better, so did superhero movies. What we got were two good franchises-- X-Men and Spider-Man. But then studios got greedy. They decided the only way to keep making money was to keep making superhero films."

Taken sips from a champagne glass.

Taken: "And it wasn't just superhero movies either. Transformers films, young adult franchises-- the studios were making movies so fast, they started running out of quality ideas. So instead of just slowing down their film output... they started releasing one bad superhero movie after another. Whenever you hear 'superhero,' think 'shit.' But the critics barely noticed, and the movies kept getting high scores. The films had gotten to levels of incredibly low quality by 2013, when our friend Alex Maverick bet against them. And now Jake Braden's going to do just the same thing."

Taken: "Got it? Good. Now look at my lips. They're recognizable objects, aren't they?"
« Last Edit: March 23, 2016, 09:22:29 pm by Adolf Tutler »

Diego Tutweiller

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #6 on: March 23, 2016, 08:39:23 pm »
The Year: 2013

The Place: Coalition of United National Trolls HQ

Inside the C.U.N.T. building, Diego Tutweiller, Jay Cutler, Jeff Goldblum, and David Tanny sit at a table. Jake Braden stands in front of them.

Braden: "That's how it is. The film industry is propped up on bad films, and sooner or later, critics will notice. It's only a matter of how long it takes them."

Goldblum: "Are you ah sure about these numbers?"

Braden: "Am I sure? Am I sure? Look at this guy." Braden points at a chubby Asian sitting in the corner. "This is my numbers guy. Dan Xiou Oh. Notice anything about him? He doesn't even speak English. I've seen him do things with a calculator you wouldn't believe."

Danny turns to the camera.

Danny: "Actually, I do speak English. And I, personally, think Batman Vs Superman will be awesome. But Braden said he'd give me a puppy for tomorrow's lunch if I sat here and didn't say anything, so I'm gonna keep my mouth shut."

Braden: "So what do you guys say?"

Tanny: "Give us a minute."

Braden and Danny exit.

Tutweiller: "We have to get in on this. Right. Now."

Goldblum: "Ah, Diego, we ah all know how much you hated The-Film-That-Must-Not-Be-Named. But ah don't let it cloud your judgement. Critics love ah superhero films."

Tutweiller: "You heard him! The quality of superhero films is deteriorating rapidly! We've all seen it!"

Cutler: "Gay sex."

Tanny: "Cutler's right. Here's what we need to do-- first, figure out if there is a reviewing bubble. And second, if there is one, how much do the studios stand to lose when critics and audiences figure it out?"

Goldblum: "Looks like we're ah going to California."

Cutler: "You're my bitch."

James Orenthal Cutler

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #7 on: March 23, 2016, 08:49:10 pm »
Shit... this is good stuff.  Too good.  I cannot have competition in this Oasis script writing business.  It's my niche.  Gonna have to write one soon or else I face the consequences. 

Now an Oscar winner.... Mad Faps: Fury Chode?  Nah, I think I've done a bit too much with the fapping...

James Orenthal Cutler

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #8 on: March 23, 2016, 08:54:13 pm »
Now an Oscar winner.... Mad Faps: Fury Chode?  Nah, I think I've done a bit too much with the fapping...

Although, I could do something with a car being powered by John jacking off.

Caleb Paasche

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #9 on: March 23, 2016, 08:58:56 pm »
Lol, this is awesome.

Danny Darkoh

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #10 on: March 23, 2016, 09:02:53 pm »
Despite the fact I dislike your opinion on superhero films...

This is quality.

J. Kashmir

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #11 on: March 23, 2016, 09:12:55 pm »
Great work.

Diego Tutweiller

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #12 on: March 23, 2016, 09:37:49 pm »
Shit... this is good stuff.  Too good.  I cannot have competition in this Oasis script writing business.  It's my niche.  Gonna have to write one soon or else I face the consequences. 

Now an Oscar winner.... Mad Faps: Fury Chode?  Nah, I think I've done a bit too much with the fapping...

Or something with Aaron. I want to see Hairy Footer and the Flounderer's Stone brought to the big screen.

J. Kashmir

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #13 on: March 23, 2016, 09:57:23 pm »
Shit... this is good stuff.  Too good.  I cannot have competition in this Oasis script writing business.  It's my niche.  Gonna have to write one soon or else I face the consequences. 

Now an Oscar winner.... Mad Faps: Fury Chode?  Nah, I think I've done a bit too much with the fapping...

Or something with Aaron. I want to see Hairy Footer and the Flounderer's Stone brought to the big screen.
Isn't that just the segment about the Arkenstone in The Hobbit?

CT_Sexybeast

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #14 on: March 23, 2016, 10:04:12 pm »
This is perfection.

Also, Cutler, you can never have too much fapping.

Refn in Treet

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #15 on: March 23, 2016, 10:14:22 pm »
Such trivial nonsense.  Hello, sir Tutweiller, did you realize that not one such person on this planet believes in a film collapse?  "Oh, but Master Treet Johnson PhD., it is nothing more than a simple parody!"  To which I say, I see no humor in this.  For I, Treet Johnson PhD. in Psychology, Mathematics and Engineering,  denounce this script in play format as "folly". 

Tho Master Fie

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #16 on: March 23, 2016, 10:16:25 pm »
The accuracy of this true story along with how perfectly it meshes with The Big Short is astounding.  10/10.

Refn in Treet

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #17 on: March 23, 2016, 10:20:24 pm »
The accuracy of this true story along with how perfectly it meshes with The Big Short is astounding.  10/10.

Why, young eukaryotic being from the land closer to the North Pole than I, Treet Johnson PhD.in Physics, Biology, and Film, you seem to have forgotten the quotation marks that should enclose the terms "perfectly" and "astounding".

John Tyler

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #18 on: March 23, 2016, 10:21:42 pm »
10/10!




Diego Tutweiller

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #19 on: March 23, 2016, 10:22:18 pm »
The Year: 2013

The Place: Movie Theater in Los Angeles, California

Jake Braden, Diego Tutweiller, Jay Cutler, and Jeff Goldblum walk into the theater.

Goldblum: "Okay. We've ah left Tanny behind to hold down the fort. Now let's ah see just how this movie is. It's at about ah 85% on ah Rotten Tomatoes, so conventional wisdom is ah behind it."

Tutweiller: "I dunno... I didn't like the first one very much..."

The group walks into The Hunger Games: Catching Fire.

Two hours later, they exit.

Braden: "What the hell was that?"

Cutler: "A shit film by nig standards."

Tutweiller: "Anus."

Goldblum dials on his phone.

Goldblum: "Tanny! There's a ah bubble! We saw the film, and well... ah... there it is."

Braden: "How was this rated grade-A? Millions of people will see this film! I mean, what was that?"

Cutler: "A nig film by shit standards."

Tutweiller: "Anus."

Goldblum [on the phone]: "The ah film wasn't terrible. But it ah seems to have ah broken Diego and Cutler. We're getting on the first flight back. Short them all. Mockingjay Part ah II, Divergent, the ah Maze Runner, and ah Batman Vs Superman. We're ah looking at total collapse here."

Braden: "Really, what the hell did I just watch?"

Cutler: "A shit nig by film standards."

Tutweiller: "Anus."

 

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