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Author Topic: The Film Short  (Read 586 times)

Caleb Paasche

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #20 on: March 23, 2016, 10:28:32 pm »
how perfectly it meshes with The Big Short is astounding.  10/10.
This is what I really love about it. I can imagine the actual line equivalent of most of this, which is pretty awesome.

J. Kashmir

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #21 on: March 23, 2016, 10:29:29 pm »
The above segment might be my favorite scene so far.

Diego Tutweiller

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The Film Short
« Reply #22 on: March 23, 2016, 11:11:45 pm »
Meanwhile, at the Rotten Tomatoes headquarters...

Three amateur film critics, Caleb Paasche, Channing Tatum, and Johnny Kashmir sit in the atrium of the massive RT building. All around them, critics, fans, and movie stars walk past, not paying them any heed.

Kashmir: "This is irritating. They shouldn't keep us waiting this long."

Tatum: "Yeah, it makes me want to just barge into this Fujitani guy's office and make him listen to us."

Kashmir: "Or better yet, just walk right out of the building."

Paasche: "Or murder all the elderly."

Tatum and Kashmir look over at Paasche.

Tatum: "Wait, what?"

They are interrupted by a man who approaches them. His name is Quite-Gone Genie.

Genie: "Gentlemen, so sorry to keep you waiting."

Kashmir: "No problem, Mr. Fujitani--"

Genie: "Oh, I'm not Mr. Fujitani. I'm his assistant, Quite-Gone Genie. And I'm here to tell you that, sadly, the three of you simply cannot be Rotten Tomatoes film critics. Your scores are just a little too... er... volatile for us. We like to keep things overwhelmingly positive here."

Tatum: "Did you even read our resumes?!"

Genie: "Yes. Which one of you is Mr. Paasche?"

Paasche raises his hand.

Genie: "Yes... well, sorry Mr. Paasche, but your willingness to 'exterminate the lesser citizens' and your 'commitment to the greater good' are not qualities we look for in a film reviewer. And besides, we have a requirement of 25,000-per-month readership for our critics, meaning you fall... 24,979 readers behind. Oh well. Better luck next time."

Genie exits.

Tatum: "Do you believe that guy? He rejected us! They keep Shawn Edwards from FOX-TV on, but they won't let us in! Our opinions are just as valid as anyone else's!"

Kashmir is not listening. He is looking at a report that he picked up off of the coffee table.

Kashmir: "I don't believe this... look here. These guys are trying to short the film industry. They say that critics are becoming so positive, they're rating anything as nines and tens nowadays. The whole system is doomed to fail."

Paasche: "Excellent. Then, from the ashes, the workers shall rise."

Tatum: "We should look into this..."
« Last Edit: March 23, 2016, 11:13:37 pm by Adolf Tutler »

Suspect #1

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #23 on: March 23, 2016, 11:40:22 pm »
I've never witnessed anything more brilliant in my life...do more of these parodies.  Please.
Goodbye!

CT_Sexybeast

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #24 on: March 23, 2016, 11:44:14 pm »
Oh my god....this is wonderful. Can't wait to see who the Brad Pitt character is gonna be....

Diego Tutweiller

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #25 on: March 23, 2016, 11:49:10 pm »
The Year: 2014

The Place: C.U.N.T. Headquarters

Phones are ringing off the line. Completely swamped, the group's core members have had to bring on two new hires, Robert Neville and Frankly Frank.

Tanny [on the phone]: "Yes, we understand that we gave bad scores to The Hobbit: The Desolanus-- sorry, Desolation of Smaug, but if you'll just listen to my explanation... he hung up on me!"

Frank is on two phones, having a conversation with himself.

Frank: "Yeah, well same to you, pal!"

Frank: "I'm not your pal, buddy!"

Frank: "I'm not your buddy, guy!"

Neville [on the phone]: "Yes sir, I hear what you're saying. But I don't think you're listening to me. I have literature in the trunk of my car right now that could change your life."

Goldblum: "Neville! How ah many times do I ah have to tell you that you can't spread ah communist propaganda during work hours?"

Tutweiller: "If Braden isn't in here in five minutes, I'll kill him."

Cutler: "Foreskin."

Braden enters the room.

Braden: "Wow, it's a disaster zone in here, eh?"

Tutweiller: "Oh, look who decided to show up! Hey, you Canadian asshole, have you seen the reviews? The Hobbit Part II just dropped, and surprise surprise, it's got even better reviews than the first one! How are you screwing us over here? We just bet against that movie!"

Cutler: "I challenge you to a roast off."

Braden: "Look at you guys! You've all seen the movie, right? And you all knew it was dogshit! But the ratings sites gave it As, Bs, and certified freshes! Wake up and smell what they're shoveling!"

Goldblum: "Well ah I for one thought it was mainstream swill for the plebeianous masses, but every reviewing agency from Flounder's to Cobb & Randy's ah gave it good scores. When exactly is this ah armageddon of yours supposed to kick in?"

Braden: "After all you've seen... after all these awful movies... you still have some faith in the system, don't you?"

Tutweiller: "I don't."

Braden: "Fine, except Diego."

There is a dramatic pause.

Cutler: "Queer."

CT_Sexybeast

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #26 on: March 23, 2016, 11:53:58 pm »
Frank is a Canadian?

Diego Tutweiller

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #27 on: March 24, 2016, 12:11:59 am »
At Tatum, Kashmir, and Paasche's reviewing company headquarters in Kashmir's garage in Boulder, Colorado...

Tatum: "Look, we need to figure this out fast. If we're wrong about how bad these movies are... and I don't think we are... we're looking at some major losses here. The Hobbit II hit us really hard."

Kashmir: "Shh! Father will hear, and he shall be angry. Then you will know the meaning of pain."

Tatum: "I'm serious. I think we need an expert opinion."

Paasche: "You mean..."

Tatum: "Yeah... we need to call Chase Nyland."

Tatum dials a phone number while Kashmir sits in rapt anticipation. Paasche sits back apprehensively. The phone rings, and someone picks up.

Tatum: "Hey, Chase? It's me, Channing Tatum."

Chase: "I told you not to call me at this number. Besides man, I don't have any stuff for you today. Wait until Friday. A big shipment's coming in from Mexico--"

Kashmir: "No Chase, it's us, Tatum and Kashmir. We're calling about movie reviewing."

Chase: "..... Oh. Okay. What do you guys want?"

Tatum: "We know you've gotten out of the business, but it would be a big help for us if you saw the new Hobbit movie and told us what you thought of it. It's gotten very high scores from the ratings agencies, but Kashmir and I think it's sub-prime franchise crap."

Chase: "Hold on."

Over the phone, Tatum and Kashmir hear The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug play in its entirety, interrupted only by the occasional sound of a bong rip in the background. They wait in rapt anticipation. Finally, the film ends, and Chase gets back on the line.

Chase: "Yep, it's dogshit."

Kashmir: "Yes! We knew it! Thank you, Chase. You have spared me from the wrath of Charles Longboat Senior."

Tatum: "Chase, we're really concerned about the state of the film industry right now. We think that it might be propped up by bad franchises. And we think that all these movies getting double-A and triple-A ratings are actually garbage repackaged to sell to audiences. What do you say?"

There is a pause.

Chase: "My advice to you is to bet against as many of these movies as you possibly can."

Tatum: "Awesome! Thank you Chase. You're a life-saver." Tatum hangs up the phone. "Let's celebrate, guys. What do you want to do?"

Paasche: "There's an old folks home just a few blocks from here. We could go around unplugging their life support."

Kashmir: "Paasche, we talked about this..."
« Last Edit: March 25, 2016, 01:41:49 pm by Adolf Tutler »

CT_Sexybeast

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #28 on: March 24, 2016, 12:27:00 am »
Chase is too perfect for that role. Holy shit.

Danny Darkoh

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #29 on: March 24, 2016, 01:52:55 am »
Curious to see who Christian Bale is gonna be...

CT_Sexybeast

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #30 on: March 24, 2016, 02:39:41 am »
Curious to see who Christian Bale is gonna be...
Alex Maverick

Danny Darkoh

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #31 on: March 24, 2016, 03:26:59 am »
Curious to see who Christian Bale is gonna be...
Alex Maverick
****, that's right. My bad.

Robert Neville

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #32 on: March 24, 2016, 09:33:52 am »
Love the random insertions of genocidal Paasche. I also hope I get to battle Oh for a bit near the end there, just like we've been doing IRL.

Suspect #1

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #33 on: March 24, 2016, 09:34:48 am »
we've been doing IRL.

Actually, we're on an internet message board.
Goodbye!

Danny Darkoh

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #34 on: March 24, 2016, 03:27:06 pm »
Love the random insertions of genocidal Paasche. I also hope I get to battle Oh for a bit near the end there, just like we've been doing IRL.
I'm the Chinese guy who just shows up for like a second though.

Frankie

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #35 on: March 24, 2016, 03:48:33 pm »
This is great. Better than The Big Short.

Caleb Paasche

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #36 on: March 24, 2016, 07:21:24 pm »
I found Chase's succinct response of "Yep, it's dogshit hilarious lol. And my bits, at the risk of sounding self-centered. Keep it up though Diego, this is great.

Diego Tutweiller

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #37 on: March 24, 2016, 07:49:02 pm »
Back by popular demand...




The Place: Comic-Con in Los Angeles, California

The Year: 2014

Jake Braden, Jay Cutler, Diego Tutweiller, Jeff Goldblum, David Tanny, Frank, and Robert Neville walk through the convention. Unknowingly, they pass Kashmir, Tatum, and Paasche, who are walking in the opposite direction.

Braden: "Okay, we all know why we're here. The bubble has started to burst. You saw the reviews for Divergent, Transcendence, and The Amazing Spider-Man 2, right? Well, these are just the warning signs. The critics are starting to look closer at the films. And just wait for Mockingjay Part I... I'm sure it'll under-perform."

Tanny: "So where to first?"

Braden: "We'll go have a look at one of the top rating agencies, Cobb & Randy's. They have a seminar here today. Maybe we'll be able to get some more information."

Frank: "Or find out how you're screwing us over."

Frank: "Shut up, nerd."

Cutler: "Gay buttsex."

Goldblum: "Braden, Cutler ah raises an interesting point. What if these ah movies are just isolated incidents and are ah not indicative of an overall trend?"

Tutweiller: "Well, we'll be able to find out then. Let's hear what this Cobb guy has to say..."

Cutler: "I'm gonna count to a million."



Inside the seminar, people start to file in. Once everyone has taken their seats, Dom Cobb and Randy step out onto the stage with tremendous applause. The members of C.U.N.T. sit down. Tutweiller fidgets uncomfortably.

Cobb: "Thank you everyone. You're great. You're all people who love sunshine and trees and ice cream. I like people like that. Now have a seat. Look, I know we've been through some tough times recently. But what's important to remember is that the future of blockbuster films has never looked brighter. We've got the next Hunger Games movie to look forward to, as well as the new Maze Runner series. And I can guarantee that when Batman Vs Superman is released two years from now, it'll be met with tremendous acclaim-- er, yes, sir?"

Diego Tutweiller has stood up, raising his hand.

Tutweiller: "Yeah, I was wondering if you could just clarify how likely it is that Buttman Vs Pooperman gets a triple-A rating?"

Cobb: "Well, I like to think it's almost a certainty! Thank you for your question-- er--"

Tutweiller: "Zero!" Tutweiller stands up again. "That is the likelihood that the movie will be good. And the score it should probably get on Rotten Tomatoes. Now do I have your attention, you plebeianous fanboy serf?"

Cobb: "Why, you pretentious elitist snob! This is a forum for positive-mined people! If you don't like it, you can take your hateful opinions and get out of here!"

Tutweiller: "Listen up, people! They're lying to you! These movies aren't great! They're not even good! The Hunger Games, Harry Potter, Marvel's crap-- none of it has anything going for it except special effects and legions of braindead fans! I-- hold on, sorry. I just got a PM. I have to take this."

Tutweiller exits. Jake Braden turns to the camera.

Braden: "Diego Tutweiller actually did that. He called Cobb a plebeianous fanboy serf. He yelled about it a lot. And he told anyone who would listen that their favorite movies were crap. See what I had to deal with? Let me rephrase that... see what we all had to deal with?

Cutler: "David Tranny."

Diego Tutweiller

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #38 on: March 25, 2016, 01:37:31 pm »
Tatum, Kashmir, and Paasche sit around a table at a restaurant, clearly waiting for someone. Tatum checks his watch. Just then, a bearded hipster shows up out of nowhere. This man is Chase Nyland.

Chase: "Sorry I'm late, fellas. I had an... appointment." Chase rubs his red eyes.

Tatum: "Hey Chase, thanks for meeting us here. We really need to talk to you about the safety of our current positions. These crap movies we keep betting against aren't giving us the returns we want. Even The Amazing Spider-Man 2 got a mediocre rating. I think the entire system might be fraudulent."

Kashmir: "I've been saying we should go to the press."

Chase: "No! No, that's the last thing you should do. People don't want to hear that they've been paying hand over fist to see sub-prime movies. That's how you start chaos."

Paasche: "Chaos is inevitable when the proletariat understands its plight."

Tatum: "Look, we need to make a big decision fast. The ratings agencies won't give us the real value of our predictions. We have to find a way to insure our positions. How do we do that?"

Chase: "Bet more."

Kashmir rolls his eyes.

Chase: "I'm serious, droogies. It doesn't matter what the ratings agencies give the movies. The actual intrinsic value is what matters. Avengers: Age of Ultron could get 100% A-ratings next year, but it would still be garbage. People will realize that, and when they do, you'll be vindicated."

Tatum: "Oh my... Chase, you're right. We know what's good and what's bad. Let's just start betting the farm!"

Kashmir: "All right! Now we're talking! Let's hit as many sites as we can. They'd be idiots not to sell us negative predictions for installments in critically acclaimed franchises!"

Paasche: "The so-called 'critics' are members of the bourgeois elite. Their predictions will mean nothing after the revolution."

A montage of the three reviewers follows, in which they find as many critics and ratings sites as they can, and bet big against superhero movies, YA films, and as many sequels as possible. By the end, they are exhausted, but are still cheering.

Tatum: "We did it! We took those suckers for all they were worth!"

Paasche: "Yes. We have begun redistributing the wealth."

Chase: "Shut up! Stop cheering! Don't you know what you've done?"

Kashmir: "No, what?"

Chase: ".... well.... I had something for this... but I forgot it. Something about betting against the American film industry. Anybody want a hit?" Chase holds out a joint.

Kashmir: "No. Charles Longboat Senior would never forgive me."

Caleb Paasche

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #39 on: March 25, 2016, 06:55:57 pm »
I died at "Charles Longboat Senior would never forgive me".

 

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