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Author Topic: The Film Short  (Read 512 times)

Diego Tutweiller

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #40 on: March 25, 2016, 07:05:50 pm »
I died at "Charles Longboat Senior would never forgive me".

There's just a little bit more of this procedural stuff to get through. Then the story gets really interesting...

CT_Sexybeast

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #41 on: March 25, 2016, 07:42:11 pm »
This is better than the movie lol. And remember, I gave that a 10/10....

Diego Tutweiller

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #42 on: March 25, 2016, 08:42:36 pm »
The Place: A restaurant in Los Angeles, California

The Year: 2015

It is 2015, and the global film market has already shown signs of collapse. To drive the point home to his partners, Jake Braden has secured a sit-down with one of the men who is actually behind the system that is leading to the demise of filmmaking.

Tanny: "So Braden, who do you have us sitting down with? Michael Bay? Uwe Boll?"

Cutler: "Diego Buttweiller."

Goldblum: "I ah bet it's Peter Jackson."

Braden: "It's a surprise. Trust me. You'll love this."

Braden points across the restaurant. Zack Snyder is sitting at a table, clearly waiting for someone.

Braden: "Yeah. I got Snyder. But remember, we can't let anyone know about our position. So we should send over the person who is the most level-headed, calm, and willing to listen. I'm thinking Goldblum."

Goldblum: "Forget that. We're sending ah Diego."

Tutweiller: "Huh? But I'm not level-headed, calm, or... whatever the third thing was."

Goldblum: "True. But you ah have to admit, watching you ah blow up will be a lot more entertaining than me trying to ah get Mr. Snyder to ah subscribe to NukeTheShark."

Tanny: "I dunno, that might be pretty entertaining..."

Ignoring Braden's protests, Goldblum shoves Tutweiller towards the table. He walks over, shoots a backwards glance, and sits down. The others take their seats at a nearby table.

Snyder: "Ah, so you're the man I'm supposed to meet with. Jake Braden, isn't it?"

Tutweiller: "Er... yes. I'm really here to talk to you about the upcoming movie Batman Vs Superman. My colleagues and I are interested in how you put it together."

Snyder: Snyder shakes his finger and laughs. "Now now! We can't tell you that! But I guess, for a fan, I can leak a little. I mean, we already showed you half the film in the trailers, so what's a little more?" Snyder pours some champagne.

Tutweiller: "Right... okay, look. You're a director for a superhero film. Possibly a whole superhero franchise. My question really is... does your audience know what you're putting in these films? Do you even know? Who green-lights this stuff? I saw The-Film-That-Must-Not-Be-Named, and I can tell you... well... it wasn't very good."

Tanny [whispering]: "He's showing admirable restraint so far."

Goldblum [whispering]: "Just ah wait. The fireworks are coming."
« Last Edit: March 25, 2016, 09:09:26 pm by Adolf Tutler »

Diego Tutweiller

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #43 on: March 25, 2016, 08:53:54 pm »
Snyder: "What are you asking me here? People like my movies. What's it to me if they don't bother to look too closely at what's going on in them?"

Tutweiller: "That's exactly the problem, though. Don't you feel like people are getting screwed? They're paying full admission for movies that aren't worth the price of a small popcorn. And you're selling it to them as if it's the real thing? How messed up is that?"

Snyder: "Hey, listen. Whether the movie is made up of A-grade, B-grade, or even F-grade material isn't what matters. People defend my movies to the death. They love them. So if you want to ruin that for people, fine. Be my guest. Just know that--"

Tutweiller: "That you're defrauding the American moviegoers?"

Snyder: "I wouldn't say that."

Time passes. We see a montage of chefs cutting food, and people laughing and talking around Snyder and Tutweiller. Tutweiller looks visibly more agitated.

Tutweiller: "Okay, let me get this straight. Film C has scenes from Film B, which steals ideas from Film A. Film B only exists to set up Film C, and Film A only ever existed to start off the series. And Films A, B, and C are all structured inside of a franchise?"

Snyder: "Yeah. A sub-prime franchise. But it sounds better if you just call them 'cinematic universes.'"

Tutweiller: "How... how is this legal? How can you sleep at night while doing this to your fans? They like you! They revere you! Why are you treating them like crap?"

Snyder: Snyder leans in."Hey man, don't try to spoil the party. Okay? Why don't you tell me what you're worth. And then I'll tell you what I'm worth. Then we can see how this all adds up."

Tutweiller: Tutweiller stands up. "You... are an incredibly big piece of shit."

Snyder laughs. Tutweiller marches over to the other table, where Goldblum and Tanny are grinning with glee.

Tutweiller: "Bet against everything that piece of garbage has touched. I feel like filth just being around him. I need a shower. Ugh. Let's get out of here."

Braden: "Where are you going?"

Tutweiller: "To find moral redemption. Maybe I'll watch Die Hard again and accuse some random movies of ripping it off. I don't know. I... I don't know."

Cutler: "Watch Dawn Patrol."
« Last Edit: March 25, 2016, 08:55:34 pm by Adolf Tutler »

Danny Darkoh

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #44 on: March 25, 2016, 09:02:27 pm »

CT_Sexybeast

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #45 on: March 25, 2016, 09:02:44 pm »
Already more tension here than in the entirety of Batman v Superman.

John Tyler

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #46 on: March 25, 2016, 09:06:04 pm »
Already more tension here than in the entirety of Batman v Superman.
^^A THOUSAND TIMES THIS

Diego Tutweiller

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #47 on: March 25, 2016, 09:27:58 pm »
The Year: 2016

The Place: Batman Vs Superman Open Forum, Rotten Tomatoes

Braden: "This is it, boys. Years of planning, predicting, and number-crunching will all pay off here."

Tanny: "Let's just hope we were right. We've sent out our heaviest hitter to defend our stance."

Announcer: "All right ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats. Coming up, we have Mr. Danny Oh and Mr. Robert Neville, discussing two opposing points of view for the future of cinema. This debate is especially relevant given the release of Batman Vs Superman this week, so let's give them a warm welcome!"

Neville and Oh walk out onstage, to mixed applause. Many of the fanboys and critics in the audience look agitated. They sit opposite one another, and each are given microphones.

Announcer: "Mr. Oh, would you like to speak first?"

John Tyler turns around from his seat in front of the C.U.N.T. members to look at Jake Braden.

Tyler: "Hey Braden, didn't that guy used to work in your office?"

Braden: "Not all Asians are the same person John, you racist fuck."

Oh: "Thank you, everyone. I'm here to put you all at ease. Yes, there have been rumors that we're running into a rough patch for blockbuster filmmaking. But I guarantee you all that with Batman Vs Superman this weekend, the haters will eat their words! Superhero films continue to be the bedrock upon which the film industry is built, and they will remain so in the future."

Neville: "Well, Mr. Oh, I wish I could accept your premise. But the fact of the matter is that the entire superhero film system is based on fraud. Yes, fraud, ladies and gentlemen. They've been lying to you for years. These films they're slapping up on the screen... they're not Triple-A, or even A-grade. They're crap. They're awful. The Amazing Spider-Man 2 defies every law of thermodynamics in the book, and yet it still received mediocre grades from critics. The-Film-That-Must-Not-Be-Named did the same. When did Hollywood forget that special effects are not all it takes to make a good movie? I mean... when did we all forget that? Scamming moviegoers is fraud, and fraud is never a viable business model. So, Danny, I'll bet you right here and right now that people figure it out. I'll bet you that Batman Vs Superman gets a rotten score on Rotten Tomatoes."

Braden looks at the camera. "Okay, be honest. You didn't read all that. But we'll try to spice things up in a second here. Trust me."

Oh: "I'll happily take that bet, Robert! We'll just see who is vindicated in the end!"

Jeff Goldblum stands up in the audience.

Goldblum: "Mr. Oh, have you checked the ah scores for Batman Vs Superman? Because since the two of you have ah started talking, it's ah started out at around 9%."

Oh: "Well, uh... clearly... differences of opinion... Marvel fanboys... er..."

Oh tries to contain the audience, but people are becoming visibly anxious. Many start to check their phones and leave their seats, leaving Oh standing in front of a half-empty forum.

Oh: "Neville! You bastard! I'll get you for this! You've destroyed the cult of Snyder!"

Neville: "You're a monster, Danny... and I'm going to stop you."

Danny runs at Robert Neville. He punches him straight through the opposite wall. Neville, apparently unfazed, flies straight back at him, and tackles him, smashing through the ceiling of the auditorium.

Braden: "So it begins."

Goldblum: "That's ah chaos theory."

Cutler: "Eat my chode."

CT_Sexybeast

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #48 on: March 25, 2016, 09:43:03 pm »
Oh yes....I'm loving this. Especially the racist John bit.

Diego Tutweiller

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #49 on: March 25, 2016, 09:49:49 pm »
Neville punches Danny.

Danny punches Neville.

Neville punches Danny.

Danny punches Neville.

Neville punches Danny.

Danny punches Neville.

Neville: "Uuugh!"

Danny: "Ha-haa!"

Danny shoots lasers out of his eyes at the unsuspecting Neville. Neville cleverly dodges the blast by jumping behind an orphanage. Danny's eyes burn it down.

Neville grabs Danny, and the two of them take flight. They smash through downtown Los Angeles, immediately obliterating enormous skyscrapers and causing glass and steel to rain down upon the citizens of LA.

Neville: "You'll pay for your crimes, Oh!"

Danny: "I'm just trying to build a better world, Neville!"

Tutweiller: "Hold on! None of this actually makes any sense!"

Neville and Danny pause their rampage to levitate in midair over Diego, who stands amidst the rubble with his arms crossed.

Danny: "What was that?"

Tutweiller: "Why are you two fighting? Nobody knows! Your motivations aren't clear to us at all! You're both destroying the city, so which one of you is good and which one is bad? Who knows? Who cares! You're just flying around punching each other, spouting random bits of pablum passing as dialogue, without any justification for it! This entire sequence feels totally out-of-place in the context of the rest of the story!"

Danny: "Shut up, Diego!"

Danny lifts up a building and drops it on Diego, squishing him like a bug.

Neville punches Danny.

Danny punches Neville.

CT_Sexybeast

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #50 on: March 25, 2016, 09:56:33 pm »
10/10

Danny Darkoh

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #51 on: March 25, 2016, 10:17:29 pm »

Suspect #1

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #52 on: March 25, 2016, 10:20:07 pm »
RIP Diego.
Goodbye!

Diego Tutweiller

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #53 on: March 26, 2016, 03:41:41 am »
Neville punches Danny and sends him flying into a bus station.

Danny retaliates, punching Neville into the Hollywood sign. The impact triggers a tectonic shift, resulting in an enormous earthquake. Los Angeles begins to slide into the ocean. The air is filled with the screams of drowning people.

The camera jerkily zooms in close to Danny's face.

Danny: "It's over, Robert! I have the high ground!"

Neville: "I never asked for this."

Neville tackles Danny, and the two of them crash into the flooding streets of Los Angeles. They smash through an Apple store and a K-Mart. Everyone inside is killed instantly by the resulting sonic boom. Danny punches Neville into a skyscraper, which collapses on top of an old folk's home.

Paasche: "Victory at last!"

Neville, undeterred, picks up a random person off the street and begins to club Danny over the head mercilessly with them. Danny stumbles and falls from the repeated blows, and the person's head becomes detached from their body.

Neville: "It's all right, fine citizen! I'm saving the city!"

Neville drops the limp, decapitated body of the person he so nobly saved. He then flies to Griffith Observatory, lifts it into the air, and hurls it at Danny, who is still incapacitated. It flattens him to the ground with the force of a nuclear bomb, obliterating a wide swath of poor communities in south central Los Angeles. The drowning, choking, burning LA citizens cheer Neville on as they breathe their last.

Danny: "You will never win, Neville. Literally. You can't win. No matter how many times you punch me, I apparently can't die. So let's give up on this futile effort and--"

Neville punches Danny. Danny flies backwards, bouncing down the Hollywood Walk of Fame and tearing the ground up as he goes. He stops himself by ramming into a hospital, which crumbles immediately. Danny then looks around, and spots Tatum, Kashmir, and Paasche huddling in the wreckage as the ground splits open.

Danny: "Aha! If I can't beat him, I'll appeal to his humanity!"

Danny aims his laser eyes at the three film reviewers. Neville lands in front of the scene, accidentally stepping on the neck of a small child.

Kashmir: "Oh no... Charles Longboat Senior will be furious with me."

Danny: "Give it up, Neville! If you don't allow me to continue my rampage, I'll kill these three people, who you don't know, and have no attachment to whatsoever! I'm sure this sobering thought will do the trick, especially after the murder of the vast majority of residents of Los Angeles county!"

Neville: "No... anything but that! I'll have to do what I logically should have done twenty minutes ago!"

In a sudden burst of speed, Neville zooms forward and snaps Danny's neck. Danny's body falls amidst the destruction, and is immediately swallowed up by a crevasse opening in the earth. Neville turns to Tatum, Kashmir, and Paasche.

Neville: "Remember, friends-- if you ever feel that things are hopeless, or that all is lost, Robert Neville will be there to save the day." Neville points to the massive hammer and sickle on his chest. "This symbol means hope." With that, Neville lifts off into the sky.

Tatum: "What the hell was that?"

The ground splits open and swallows the trio whole. The rest of Los Angeles is consumed in a fiery ball of death and destruction, wiping one of America's greatest cities from the face of the Earth. As the crater that was once LA fills with encroaching seawater, Robert Neville flies by the camera, giving the audience a thumbs-up. The planet explodes in the background.

Diego Tutweiller

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #54 on: March 26, 2016, 04:34:59 am »
The camera pulls back. We see that everything that has transpired took place on a movie theater screen. The theater is empty, save for Jake Braden. He turns around to look at the camera.

Braden: "And that's what happened. But don't worry. The people responsible for all this went to jail. Hollywood had no choice but to completely abandon its superhero franchises, and soon, American cinemas were filled with quality filmmaking that relied not only on special effects to be entertaining, but also well-developed characters, meaningful themes, and original scripts."

Braden: "Just kidding. Hollywood kept making these garbage films for as long as people would keep paying to see them. Which, as of right now, seems to be the foreseeable future. And in the end, only one of these assholes went to jail. A scapegoat that the whole thing was pinned on, just to put everyone's mind at ease."

Cut to the inside of a prison. Zack Snyder is standing in line with the other inmates. Suddenly, he grabs a tray of boiling bacon fat and flings it in the face of another prisoner. The guards attempt to hold him down, but he fights them, frothing at the mouth like a wild animal.

Snyder: "You don't understand! I'm not locked in here with you! You're locked in here with--"

The Sound of Silence starts playing. In a tastefully handled slow-motion montage, Snyder is punched in the face by an inmate, then his face is smashed repeatedly against the ground. He is dragged away, still screaming.

"Within the sound... of silence."

Roll credits.

Tho Master Fie

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #55 on: March 26, 2016, 04:45:20 am »
The camera pulls back. We see that everything that has transpired took place on a movie theater screen. The theater is empty, save for Jake Braden. He turns around to look at the camera.

Braden: "And that's what happened. But don't worry. The people responsible for all this went to jail. Hollywood had no choice but to completely abandon its superhero franchises, and soon, American cinemas were filled with quality filmmaking that relied not only on special effects to be entertaining, but also well-developed characters, meaningful themes, and original scripts."

Braden: "Just kidding. Hollywood kept making these garbage films for as long as people would keep paying to see them. Which, as of right now, seems to be the foreseeable future. And in the end, only one of these assholes went to jail. A scapegoat that the whole thing was pinned on, just to put everyone's mind at ease."

Cut to the inside of a prison. Zack Snyder is standing in line with the other inmates. Suddenly, he grabs a tray of boiling bacon fat and flings it in the face of another prisoner. The guards attempt to hold him down, but he fights them, frothing at the mouth like a wild animal.

Snyder: "You don't understand! I'm not locked in here with you! You're locked in here with--"

The Sound of Silence starts playing. In a tastefully handled slow-motion montage, Snyder is punched in the face by an inmate, then his face is smashed repeatedly against the ground. He is dragged away, still screaming.

"Within the sound... of silence."

Roll credits.
Quality.  One of your best threads in ages.


The One Who Lurks

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #56 on: March 26, 2016, 05:39:53 am »
And in the end, only one of these assholes went to jail.

Cut to the inside of a prison.

But jail and prison aren't the same thing.

You wrecked it Diego.

You just wrecked it.

This entire magnum opus is now soiled with incorrect terminology.
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CT_Sexybeast

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #57 on: March 26, 2016, 11:58:10 am »
The camera pulls back. We see that everything that has transpired took place on a movie theater screen. The theater is empty, save for Jake Braden. He turns around to look at the camera.

Braden: "And that's what happened. But don't worry. The people responsible for all this went to jail. Hollywood had no choice but to completely abandon its superhero franchises, and soon, American cinemas were filled with quality filmmaking that relied not only on special effects to be entertaining, but also well-developed characters, meaningful themes, and original scripts."

Braden: "Just kidding. Hollywood kept making these garbage films for as long as people would keep paying to see them. Which, as of right now, seems to be the foreseeable future. And in the end, only one of these assholes went to jail. A scapegoat that the whole thing was pinned on, just to put everyone's mind at ease."

Cut to the inside of a prison. Zack Snyder is standing in line with the other inmates. Suddenly, he grabs a tray of boiling bacon fat and flings it in the face of another prisoner. The guards attempt to hold him down, but he fights them, frothing at the mouth like a wild animal.

Snyder: "You don't understand! I'm not locked in here with you! You're locked in here with--"

The Sound of Silence starts playing. In a tastefully handled slow-motion montage, Snyder is punched in the face by an inmate, then his face is smashed repeatedly against the ground. He is dragged away, still screaming.

"Within the sound... of silence."

Roll credits.
Best film of the year.

Tho Master Fie

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #58 on: March 26, 2016, 03:03:23 pm »
You wrecked it Diego.

You just wrecked it.

This entire magnum opus is now soiled with incorrect terminology.
This post was retarded.  A completely unnecessary John Tyler-esque correction attempt.
No they're not the same thing, but the way it was stated makes perfect sense.  He goes to jail, then ends up in prison.

The Crippler!

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Re: The Film Short
« Reply #59 on: March 26, 2016, 04:23:02 pm »
You wrecked it Diego.

You just wrecked it.

This entire magnum opus is now soiled with incorrect terminology.
This post was retarded.  A completely unnecessary John Tyler-esque correction attempt.
No they're not the same thing, but the way it was stated makes perfect sense.  He goes to jail, then ends up in prison.

Alright, boy,  the gloves are coming off.  Simply put, I've had it with your bullying on this site.  You are the lowest form of human in existence, Braden.  Case in point, here.  Shockwave was merely attempting humor here.  It's obvious to anyone with a brain that he meant no harm and clearly applauded Diego's work.  Yet you... you sit here and call him a retard for attempting humor. Well, listen here, Mister, the only reason why you did this is because you have this predisposed negative association with Shockwave.  Earlier this week, you said that you almost banned him because you thought he was Aaron.  You have associated him with Aaron and now, in your depraved sick mind, you have linked him with Aaron and view both in the same light.  Now, whenever Shockwave attempts to be silly, he'll be met with scolding from a freak such as yourself.  And you're in no position to judge him, fool.  I don't hate you, but I've had it up to here with your bullying!  I will not let you bully innocent defenseless people.  You may say I'm being hypocritical because of my Danny comments, but it is clear that Danny had malicious intent so I responded with malicious comments.  So leave Shockwave alone and go back into your mancave.

 

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