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Author Topic: The Review Artist  (Read 217 times)

Tut

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The Review Artist
« on: December 12, 2017, 12:33:04 am »
September 9th, 2016. In a prestigious film school in southern California, Will Ammann stands in front of the class, reading his review of a movie. When he is finished, there is a smattering of applause. The teacher shakes her head and sighs.

Professor: "Will, you're improving, I suppose. But your analysis just isn't there yet."

Will: "I did my best."

Professor: "Your points were all extremely superficial. Who cares that The Hobbit: War for the Dawn of the Five Armies had a lot of explosions? You need to analyze the characters and their motivations more. I'll give you a passing grade, but I expect better next time if you want to become a Rotten Tomatoes-certified critic."

Will furiously stalks to the back of the class and sits down.

Professor: "Rotten Tomatoes has high standards, class. Remember that. They don't let just anyone into their secret cabal of critics. Armond White, Shawn Edwards, Common Sense Media... that's the level of competition you're up against. The cream of the crop. Now... who here can really show some insight into the film they chose?"

From the back of the room, a mysterious voice speaks.

Voice: "Ah will go. Ah kin doo it."

The professor nods, and the mystery man walks down the aisle. He has thick eyebrows, a lumbering posture, and a sloping, neanderthal forehead. He pulls out his review from his pocket, where he had crumpled it into a ball and stuffed it. He unfolds the paper and begins to read.

Mystery Man: "De Russo brother haff down eet again, approving upon their last film. Superhero movie haff gone threw a lot phases. To Marvul takeen over de box-office, to DC trying to cash in on de same thing. Though Marvul has always been de more dominate in both de box-office and even critically success."

The class begins to laugh.

Professor: "What the fuck."

Mystery Man: "Stahp laugheen! Dees mah real film moovy review!"

Professor: "Let me just stop you right there... mister... uh..."

Mystery Man: "I Bwendan. Bwendan Sullivan."

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Flounder Prefers Browntown

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Re: The Review Artist
« Reply #1 on: December 12, 2017, 12:37:20 am »
*stands up and claps*
Everything is terrible.

PORG

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Re: The Review Artist
« Reply #2 on: December 12, 2017, 01:23:39 am »
Woah

Tut

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Re: The Review Artist
« Reply #3 on: December 12, 2017, 02:15:41 am »
Woah

Btw, I like your reviews. But someone had to be Maahk, and you're in film school.

Tut

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Re: The Review Artist
« Reply #4 on: December 12, 2017, 12:11:37 pm »
The class is letting out. As the students head to their cars, Will approaches Brendan.

Will: "Hey! Hey, uh... Brendan?"

Brendan: "Yah, das is me."

Will: "I really liked your review."

Brendan's face lights up.

Brendan: "Ah knew eet! Ah go to Los Angeles. Become real Hollywood moovy reviewer. And dees people, dey all laff at me. Well, ah show dem. Ah show dem all."

Will: "Good for you, man."

Brendan: "You really like Bwendan's review?"

Will: "I mean, it was total gibberish. But I figure you can only become that incoherent if you're completely overwhelmed by a love of cinema. Your passion for filmmaking is so deep you can't even express it in English. I want to feel that too."

Brendan: "Yah, Bwendan has pashun."

Will: "Have you thought about just... making your own review site?"

Brendan stares at Will blankly, then smiles.

Brendan: "Dat great idea."
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Tut

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Re: The Review Artist
« Reply #5 on: December 15, 2017, 09:14:08 pm »
Four months prior to his encounter with Tatum, Brendan enters the Rotten Tomatoes headquarters in San Francisco, California. He lumbers through the front door, leering at passersby. Upon reaching the front desk, he stops.

Brendan: "Hi, ah am Bwendan Sullivan. Ah make appointment with Ryan Fujitani."

Receptionist: "He's in a meeting right now. Who are you?"

Brendan: "Does not matter. Ah am here now. You are short of wastings mah time, ah haff to go see him. Ah have big film movie picture review project ah am working on."

Receptionist: "Uh... okay. Where are you from?"

Brendan: "Ah am all-American guy. Ah from New York state."

Just then, Fujitani walks by the reception desk, wearing a flamboyant purple suit and talking on his cell phone. He accidentally makes eye contact with Brendan, then looks away. He starts to walk faster.

Brendan: "Wait! Meestur Fujitani! Ah haff to speek with you about mah new review. Ees for a film--"

Fujitani whirls around, tucks his phone away, and raises a limp hand to his chin.

Fujitani: "Thtop right there. You're that Brendan guy who'th been mailing us all of those incoherent reviewth chicken-scratched out on yellow notepadth?"

Brendan: "Yah, das me."

Fujitani: "Honey, let me make this very clear. You're not a critic. Hell, you barely have the attention span to be an audience member. And I think you might be mentally ill, judging by your grammar... as well as that outfit of yourth. You're never going to be a Rotten Tomatoeth thertified reviewer, Brendan. Not in a million yearth."

Brendan: "But aftur dat?"

Fujitani: "Thecurity! I thought I told you not to let thith guy in here!"

Brendan is thrown to the curb, and he dusts himself off. A deranged, malicious grimace appears on his face as he looks at his reflection in the window of the Flixster building. He explodes with pent-up rage.

Brendan: "Ah will show dem! Ah will show dem all!"
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Charles Longboat Jr.

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Re: The Review Artist
« Reply #6 on: December 16, 2017, 05:13:45 pm »
Will Thommy Wiseau make a cameo in this script?

Tut

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Re: The Review Artist
« Reply #7 on: December 16, 2017, 06:20:49 pm »
Will Thommy Wiseau make a cameo in this script?

That's about as meta as it gets.
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Tut

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Re: The Review Artist
« Reply #8 on: December 17, 2017, 01:31:36 pm »
The headquarters of Brendan's new review website are bustling. Brendan and Will have found other outcast reviewers from every corner of the internet, and they are working tirelessly to get their new site up and running. Brendan walks through the building, inspecting the progress.

Brendan: "Remembuhr, everywaahn, dees is no a Mickey Mouse operashun. Like Emma Smith een La La Land, life has hit us like a bus when een de form of audishuns that don't go her way. Dees is majur opportunity! Seize it!"

Caleb Paasche: "Um... what the fuck did he just say?"

Brendan: "Ees motivashunal speech! What, you haff some kind of problum?"

Caleb: "Honestly, I do, yeah. This review scale you've given us to work with... it makes no sense. Everything below a 6/10 is 'awful?' What is this, logarithmic?"

Brendan: "Ees de school system of grading! God, so unprofeshunal! You just naaht understand!"

Caleb: "What you're saying is so unbelievably retarded. If you're going to grade on a school system, you pretty much have to grade just from 50 to 100. That doesn't correlate at all to the RT scale. You have to choose one- grade by letters (and then translate those to numbers) or grade out of ten. For some strange reason I can't explain you sort of combine both systems into one mass of pure, non-sensical garbage."

The room falls completely silent. The other reviewers look up from their computers, not daring to speak.

Brendan: "You... you... you are naaht good, you! You are degenerate, stupid sissy boy. All of you, stupid, you naaht understand my veeshun!"

Will: "Brendan, calm down, okay? It'll be fine. Caleb didn't mean anything by it."

Caleb: "Yeah, I did. And actually, I quit. I can't work in this kind of environment. This is ridiculous."

Brendan: "You no can quit! Ah fire you! Geet out, geet out, geet out of my life!"
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Kale Pasta

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Re: The Review Artist
« Reply #9 on: December 17, 2017, 05:00:33 pm »
The headquarters of Brendan's new review website are bustling. Brendan and Will have found other outcast reviewers from every corner of the internet, and they are working tirelessly to get their new site up and running. Brendan walks through the building, inspecting the progress.

Brendan: "Remembuhr, everywaahn, dees is no a Mickey Mouse operashun. Like Emma Smith een La La Land, life has hit us like a bus when een de form of audishuns that don't go her way. Dees is majur opportunity! Seize it!"

Caleb Paasche: "Um... what the fuck did he just say?"

Brendan: "Ees motivashunal speech! What, you haff some kind of problum?"

Caleb: "Honestly, I do, yeah. This review scale you've given us to work with... it makes no sense. Everything below a 6/10 is 'awful?' What is this, logarithmic?"

Brendan: "Ees de school system of grading! God, so unprofeshunal! You just naaht understand!"

Caleb: "What you're saying is so unbelievably retarded. If you're going to grade on a school system, you pretty much have to grade just from 50 to 100. That doesn't correlate at all to the RT scale. You have to choose one- grade by letters (and then translate those to numbers) or grade out of ten. For some strange reason I can't explain you sort of combine both systems into one mass of pure, non-sensical garbage."

The room falls completely silent. The other reviewers look up from their computers, not daring to speak.

Brendan: "You... you... you are naaht good, you! You are degenerate, stupid sissy boy. All of you, stupid, you naaht understand my veeshun!"

Will: "Brendan, calm down, okay? It'll be fine. Caleb didn't mean anything by it."

Caleb: "Yeah, I did. And actually, I quit. I can't work in this kind of environment. This is ridiculous."

Brendan: "You no can quit! Ah fire you! Geet out, geet out, geet out of my life!"
For the record, I stand behind my statement quoted here a hundred percent.

Also, this one made me laugh out loud, well done.

Tut

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Re: The Review Artist
« Reply #10 on: December 19, 2017, 05:23:19 pm »
Brendan is having trouble finding a replacement for Caleb. More importantly, however, he has begun to lose the respect of his employees. After hearing more and more snickering behind his back, he decides to stage a confrontation.

Brendan: "Ah assume you all know why ah call you here today."

Nicholas Moody: "This is the breakroom. We're eating lunch. You didn't call any of us here."

Brendan: "Eet has kum to mah attenshun dat many of you are not een full support of mah review system. Ah hear you whisperin; 'Oh, Bwendan ees creepy retard man,' 'Oh, Bwendan have oatmeal for bwains.' Well, no longer. We have eet out, right here, right now."

Will: "Brendan, come on, just change the ratings system if people don't like it. It's really not that big of a deal."

Dawson Joyce: "Yeah, it makes no goddamn sense."

Brendan: "Shaaht aahp! You disrespect me, you disrespect mah veeshun! Here, ees simple. Ah show you."

Brendan wheels out a large whiteboard and pulls out three color-coded magic markers. He begins to scrawl illegibly on the board as he speaks.

Brendan: "Ninty threw a hundred percent ees fantastic, go out and watch or buy eet right now. Eighty threw eighty-nine ees B threw B+, worth watcheen een theaters but naht speshul. C ees okay, seventy threw seventy-nine. Definitely naaht priority and should only be viewed een theaters by peepul who ees excited about seeing da moovy. D is bad, 60 threw 69 percent--"

Moody: "I'm at a loss for words trying to comprehend this review system."

Johnny Kashmir: "Why is sixty percent considered bad? What's the rest of the scale?"

Brendan: "Everytheen below 59 is awful, naahthing redeeming."

Dawson: "So why even include all the ratings below 50 percent?"

The gears in Brendan's head begin to spin. Everyone in the breakroom leans forward, hoping, praying for the other shoe to drop.

Brendan: "Bekawz, ees real Hollywood review!"

Brendan's employees collectively sigh.
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